I Fell Too

Working with a husband with PhD in psychology, who fell and suffered a TBI in January of this year, I realize more than ever that I too fell with him.  His vocabulary went from me not understanding his speech to me not being able to understand his speech.  Using words that made me race to the dictionary to words that not at all identified what he is trying to say.  We fell from a very high position of what we once enjoyed as ‘above normal’ love and acceptance to again what is written and documented of what is ‘normal’ love and acceptance after a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).   His first instinct was to read the Word day and night, even before he could gather a sentence together and comprehend. He would read and re-read and re-read.  But still, so much confusion and misunderstandings between us as a couple!  Oh how hard the soul can fight to be in its constant state of okay-ness, just let me be as I am person!  I knew immediately that I was broken but with his obvious broken (several brain injuries, broken back, 6 ribs, & shoulder blade) my broken sure seemed on the low scale of his broken.  So on I marched to a new road never traveled.  I have been blessed with so many friends and family that have been supportive but when I lay down at night to rest, nothing mends the broken heart except the One who Created it.  It has been 9 months and a couple of weeks now and with what I hope was bottom, I’m climbing back upward which is causing me to see just how far I fell and what amazing Mercy God has showed us.  The funny thing about falling, it’s sort of like a second chance.  You know how you say… ‘Gosh, if I had it all to do over again I would …. differently.”  My list is LONG but one thing that stays solid, God was with me and is with me as tomorrow is still uncertain.  I would do many things differently and even now it seems I have that chance, but God has proven to me to be the SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY, and FOREVER.  I MUST give thanks on this Thankful Thursday for His Ever Staying Love that never failed, never changed, and never turned me away.  I will continue this new walk while I’m in this process of getting up with new determination that I WILL CHANGE, TBI or not, for the examples I saw of God’s Amazing Love has captured and excited me to do so.   I don’t take anything I am, was or will be for granite anymore…. It can change in a second.  What I do hold on to is the Staying Power of His Love.  I can question, I can plead, I can even bark of a ‘road’ I’m traveling but I can never not change as God is the ONLY One with this ability of Constance to stay the SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY, and FOREVER…!  Thank You for this Holy Character that watches over all my doings…!  Change me to be like You, Holy God, and show us who You are..!!!

1 Corinthians 2:3-5 (The Message)

I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else.

God's Love During Sickness

Father, I am reaching out again today to share a thought.  I have not felt very good physically but my heart seems so at peace.  Yesterday my doctor said to go home and not go to work tomorrow, so I did. I don't like feeling rough but today has been enjoyable in spite of the body aches.  You have sit beside me all day, I could feel Your Presence in much the way I would feel the presence of any loved one.  I have been about my own projects but at the same time thought about You, spoke of You and to You.  It is wonderful, having a knowledge of You always being there.  I want to say all the right Words to cause all my physical pains to go away but I can't seem to find them working.  And yet, I feel such a smile inside my heart that warms all the coolness of what all ales me. Is this how You teach us You are in the Storms?  Is this how You teach us the Patience we need to wait for Your Path before walking?  Is this the Fight of Faith that takes us before any 'trouble' and we know we are Armed with more than what eye can see?  Praise has interrupted my silence time and time again today as I have watched the clock slowly give me its place.  As I am approaching the afternoon I can look back on the day and say it has been a calming of my normal racing effort to put all I can into accomplishments.  I really want to be sure and give You thanks for this day as if it was the day I felt the best I have in all my life.  For something inside tells me that there has been NO difference of Love exchanged between You and I which makes me Stronger than physical.  It has been good to be Your daughter today and I am more than grateful that You have been with me while I lie in an unknown.  It assures me that it is not all about how the body feels, or if the bills are paid, or even where I will live tomorrow ... it is about...You are always there with me.  Day after day after day after day....  forever!

My Song is Forever Being Made in His Likeness

One of God's Delights is Music and within me is such a Song that who I am sings and creates something like a fragrance that fills the air.  One might hear my song and wonder if it really be from God, but I am thankful that I can say... oh yes, I am His and my Song is forever being made in His Likeness.  Oh God, I am so thankful...!

Victory by Him Alone

My heart is heavy for a friend whose child was diagnosed with brain tumor and is facing the posibility of a second surgery today. My sister Carolyn writes in our email that we need the Lord so much today… I comment back that she is so right for there is so much to weigh down the soul if we are not careful. This morning in prayer, I truly felt the heaven’s open and laughter rain down. It was so refreshing. It makes me sob inside… for His Amazing Ways so far from understanding. How backwards so often we have things. For often when the fire is hot, my heart is so close to His Garment and when my heart feels ‘all is well’ I am forgetting my Creator. How opposite the flesh to my spirit as my spirit hungers and the depths of my heart cries for more of Him no matter the cost. For the reach of something within screams I’ll pay the price, I’ll go the extra mile, I’ll go through the fire, for the outcome has me so captured. I cannot take my eyes off of Him. But my flesh wants to use the Name of Jesus as its pleasure seeker much to the same way satan tempted Jesus so high on the mountain. Luring Jesus to satisfy the flesh’s needs by the knowledge of who He was. The flesh stinks and demands its rights while the spirit has the strength of calming the ocean storm. For I know of no higher battle than what I am going through, my husband, my beloved, losing the mind of reality and giving over to death as a welcome visitor, but this morning the rain of laughter takes me into His Arms and I Sing not with outter visuals but inward calm for the battle is not under having the right place of this flesh but the Pure Umbrella of His Love and Covering. My spirit has united with Him and the war has lifted the tops off of compressed brutality of the enemy’s deception. And where was I when this happened… ? I was in the fire… crying, screaming, pleading…. And WHAT did I do right…. I cried to the Holy One… the ONLY ONE.. for the Holy One’s Arms were so large that when I ran I could not help but run into Them. So NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING can be ‘tagged’ as my well doing. He Sought me and He Bought me by His Redeeming Blood and ere I knew Him … aww I’ve got to find the words to this song…



Okay… here they are. oh my goodness.. what a wonderful song..!!! I LOVE this old song…. It speaks so much to me today...!

VICTORY IN JESUS
I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood's atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.


I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;
And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and bro't
To me the victory.

I heard about a mansion
He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold
Beyond the crystal sea;
About the angels singing,
And the old redemption story,
And some sweet day I'll sing up there
The song of victory.

Beautiful Eyes

I see Your Eyes this morning my Lord, oh how Beautiful they are…!  For in my search to look deep I can see such Compassion mixed with Wisdom of having All Knowledge, absolutely ALL knowledge.  There is no wrong in Your Portions.  Pouring from Your Eyes is like a visual of the sun rising and pushing back the darkness of night and out comes so vivid all the things around me I had not yet noticed.  What a Glory that Your Presence Brings.  Quietness stills my mind and Music of Your Love enters and carries the load of my struggles from the inability to see, as not even the moon was shining for me through the night.  I look at one Eye and then to the Other as I see Your Voice without a Sound.  Oh how Tender Your Voice is.  What enormous Comfort it brings as it takes me closer.  I awake and find that even though I feel weak, You have already gone for the Remedies to Lift me from my bed.  I fix my eyes on Yours as I am miraculously pulled into Your Place.   Away falls even the thought of struggles and worries that had me chained moments prior as I have now opened myself to Romance of Your Brightness Covering my midnight.  Oh how full it fills my heart with poundings that excite me.  I feel shaky and as if all those around me can see my heart beating fiercely.  I am overwhelmed with Your Love that has put It’s Arms around me so tight.  How do I wear such Love?  How do I respond to Your Passion for me?  What will be my next word or should I speak at all?  In Your Quiet Love that has the Volume of the whole earth, I play and sleep and live.  It surrounds me like a circle of amazements.  Your Thoughts are watching me even as I slept and fumbled in the darkness of my struggles.  Sometimes I want to scream… scream the painful cry of one unable to handle such Love so Pure for it Roars its Beauty and reveals my own shame.   How, WHY, WHAT FOR, my heart will cry!  Who am I that You would send Your Son to die for and Chase me with such Passion.  I get up only to fall again.  And there You are…!  There YOU ARE..!  Waiting, Touching me, Giving to me what is Best so that I can know Your Love above any care or worry or pain this earth gives.  And then it happens all over again, I fall deeply in love with my Creator as Your Romance brings me back to being a bride adorned in Your likeness so that I might be found Covered in Desire.  Desire for His return, Desire for His Spirit; that sends every particle of my being into the return search of who Christ is.  Chasing Him with a consumed heart of passion carrying gratefulness that I was Found.  Lost in darkness but Found by the Eyes of Him who searches the heart of man.  Oh I look upon Your Eyes so Sweet.  So Bold to enter my world and bring Its Light.  Seeing everyhing about me with only my best in mind.  Thank You for being All Places for me.  Thank You for telling me You would NEVER leave me.  Thank You for sticking around when I scream.  I need a Daddy like You.  It’s Your Love that keeps me going.  I love Your Eyes….!

Listen

Have you ever ‘heard’ the whole earth sing? Have you ever seen the whole earth rejoice? Have you ever been before your Lord and You have a gift of Love to return to Him because He has been so good. Then you heard, you saw, and you were there with the whole earth before Him. For His Love does not return void and as He has poured upon you, with a heart full of Praise it returns to the heavens to fill the sky from the heart of man whom he created. Picture with me for just a moment Love looking like the dew of spring time in the first crack of dawn’s morning, before traffic of busyness starts and the tulips have all come out to play. A layer of Moisture has been Laid and all that lay still Feel its Freshness, brand New and unlike yesterday. For today is new needs, new directions, new turns, new sights. Today Moisture has come to Touch each life that calls and it Sits upon its subject like a beautiful jewel on a crown. It waits so that it can paint a picture so that those it Sits upon can enjoy the moment of it Refreshment. And ALIVE comes the breath of each creation upon earth. ALIVE comes the smiles of all who waited. ALIVE comes all the colors the Dew has Refreshed. The earth is in its return of gratitude for Love has lain upon its ground. Up from the center of its existence come Praise and Laughter and all the tumbling of the days Rejoicing for God has delivered again another day to Praise His Works. The earth shouts to its Maker and the Song of our heart begins to Play. The whole earth begins to Praise as the Dew has Given again and again and again to create Life, His Love Prospers and returns to be lifted on High. The angels rise up and listen for the sound of a Mighty Wave of Praise is coming. Coming from a sound of voices who have been Washed with the Dew of Heaven. Washed by the Cleansing of His Love Given. Returning to the heavens is the sound of the whole earth bringing up its Tunes of giggles and delight for they have Tasted and Received and Shared with other members of this bride of creation such Moisture from on High. God’s Love has prospered. Listen… Listen to the sound of the whole earth REJOICING… It is us… we shout with hearts that those who do not know Him cannot hear. But it shakes the mountains of His Holiness….!  Listen...!

Irresistible Invitation

Amazing how these guys, the New Testament disciples (Matthew the Tax Collector in particular) gave up 'what' they did to follow this Stranger who they amazingly found intriguing, which totally captivated them with something of a smitten heart.  It turned their life into chaos but complete satisfaction and search for no other.  No longer did they follow their 'own' cause but became SOLD OUT to the Walk of Christ rather than, again, their own… even to death..Wow..! Oh how I can relate to their hunger to see and the curiosity of heart to keep looking on.  I have found something that does not involve my vision but 'His'.  It has given me a Song I have NEVER sang before.  I don't know how to describe it... for when I try it changes its Melody and becomes a New Song once again.  Oh how it Softens my weary heart.  I am so captivated by its Sound and Appearance... I look at it with a heart that can Not turn away, but just wait…. wait for even a Crumb… even a Drip from His Substance takes me to another Dimension.  I know what these men found... oh my God... I know what they found!  Understanding of themselves seems so less-than needed for the only thing that matters is what will This Man say next.  How is He doing this?  Where did He get His voice?  Please, Holy One... take me there.  Take me to all You Say.  I KNOW what happened to Matthew...  I LOVE where Jesus said "Follow Me" and his invitation was irresistible … Jesus has made this same appearance and invitation to me and it has been irresistible.  I can NOT understand it… for I am of no value… I am of no good.  Yet, He daily appears to me and says 'Follow Me'.  I don't understand.  WHY??? WHY???? Oh GOD WHY???  What have I done to deserve this?  Suddenly the Storehouse of Heaven has been dumped in my lap and I know not why.  The Songs of His messengers sing with me as worship belongs only to Him and we fill the sky with the Colors of Praise. I have read a hundred times about His Love passing our understanding but I NEVER thought it would be like this.  There is NOOOOO understanding… it is NOT coming..‼‼!  I have thought of this scripture in the past as just a way to let me know it is more than enough… or more than I will need… but TRULY MORE than I could understand… ??  I guess I must of thought I had some sort of understanding of 'not' understanding… but it is absolutely out of the mind. And to accept that I will NEVER understand His Love only causes an explosion of gratitude for what else can I say?  What do you do with non-understanding...?  His Love is so magnetic that every breath I take I'm hoping it will be His Air.  Who am I now??? I don't know… nor I suppose have I ever really known but WHO HE IS has captivated my thoughts until the search seems like I had an invitation… it said 'Follow Me' and I am there…under its Love.  I followed and I know not what to do but continue to follow.  The world may crumble but I have been smitten and His Love has Saturated me in the Sweet Aroma of His New Wine.  I must trust that the steps to His Palace leads the multitude…. Like Matthew… I only know to bid others who are tax collectors and evil minded as myself to come and join this Walk.  You will not understand but you will give up your life and be completely satisfied.  I am MOST UNLIKELY to be His beloved but He Called me.  I don't understand…?