Even In Dismay

My lover, 

my dreams in the night 

and my pillow in the daytime.  

My strength that takes me 

from one room to the next 

as I wake 

for His wonders about me.  

How can I not go 

to His whispering meadow 

that blows across my heart 

with kisses so soft 

I can carry them all.  

Silver and gold have no shine 

in comparison to the emotions 

love sweeps through my being.  

All my ability to be 

is taken 
by a want to feel each spark 

that fires beneath my heart.  

I was made to wait 

as the fire grows 

to show its blaze higher and higher 

so that it is all I see.  

Even in dismay, 

love burns the night hours away 

within my soul 

and I pour out my love in return.  

For it matters not 

if my eyes are open or shut, 

love is a fragrance within me

 and it releases its pleasure 

before His altar that consumes my offering.  

I have spilled myself out 

and gave the value of all I have, 

my heart.  

I have cashed in all my thoughts 

and summoned a vow 

to be spent as His rose, 

plucked and cherished 

as a bouquet of love songs.  

Could I ever find any thing more? 

Absolutely impossible; 

for this love is the ultimate 

that refreshes me 

as it comes to waltz in new beauty 

for me to wear.  

I have entered its gate 

that has showed me a brightness 

that combs my face with its fingerprints.  

A brightness that forms to make corners 

that turn any darkness 

to a scene of color and relationship.  

If I cry, 

it sounds an alarm that love acts 

in a fight so lovely.  

If I lean, 

a bolt of revival 

flashes so my weakness 

has new vision to move.  

A camp has been set up
 to war 

for my stay to be eternal.  

Struggle is met with orders 

from on high 

to send extra help.  

Where does such extravagance wait 

as I take my heart through its journey?  

Where is my song hanging out 

as I move in life?  

Will I ever come to the fullness 

of His Love with understanding?  

I run to the lap of satisfaction 

as my longing pulls 

with all my might to this search.  

Loves want 

for everything I am.  

Oh lover, 

my dreams in the night 

and my pillow in the daytime…

I see fire 

with my name upon its flame; 

a name You call me 

by the yearning of Your love.  

I leave nothing to keep for my self 

but reach to take every move 

my soul can make 

to this place.  

The chamber of heaven’s dew 

that draws me away 

and into a no returning.  

For a taste of heaven’s Love 

has completed the make 

of who I am now and forever,
even when my soul is in dismay.

Repentance

Father, I realize that this world holds distress and wants to consume us with its false vanity saying it will satisfy, but oh what a lie.  Stronger is the might You are than any mountain I face, even when the mountain is my own self indulgences strongly screaming for its feeding.  Fighting is the Spirit within to encourage me to hold on for the victory may look very different than how my mind wants to spell it.  For there is no failure in Your Love that wraps its constancy around me!  

I hold to that Love that never runs out on me, 

but carefully shining a path 

one step at a time so that I am not overwhelmed.  

Today has purpose and I surrender to its goodness as I stand and watch Your Love saturate me with assurance You have paid for my mistakes and will take my hand  in all areas of search.  Nothing else will take my soul to the refreshing of new life that returns the presence of Your Glory upon me.  

My mind struggles to say repentance will tumble my world into a destruction I could never escape but Your Spirit shows me repentance is the rain my soul searches for day and night.  With it comes the shedding of old to give birth to the created place I am born to know, Your Glory.  

Melt away my resistance, my Lord, my eternal source of Life so rich.  I fall at Your feet with the call of Your Love bidding my heart to be its recipient and I slowly give away my will.  

Oh the scare that comes to haunt with its false accusations of destruction.  I call again for the battle is the visual of too much.  I must see the entrance of Your Holiness to give way for Your Love to find its resting place in me.  Even now my heart cries for this work to be a beauty I will allow. 

Over and over You show me how worth these transitions are by such Love that wipes fear from having rule as war between my flesh and soul battles.  Each piece surrendered is looked at from my view as nothing; but by Your View, You see the mountain crumbling and entrance to live abundantly in me.  

I shake and tremble but the enemy is losing and Your work is my song.  I will praise You forever…! 

Ocean Of Hate

Psalm 18:16-19; 2 Samuel 22: 17-20

But me he caught – reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide – open field; I stood there saved – surprised to be loved.

Sometimes I feel so alone in my pain and then I read something like this scripture and find that my God, The God, has duplicated His Love in so many lives.  Revealing His passion over and over in like manner to those He created.  

Saul, a chosen king, love/hates David with extremes; an Old Testament story of such fascinating past.  Like a son, King Saul gives David rule of his kingdom at one point; and then attempting to kill him the next, as trouble seeps in.  Back and forth with love/hate bleeding as history is made.  We read and forget it is recorded for our own enlightenment. To see both sides of the story is power as we go deep in the things of God's Love.

Dare I say, my life included, suffer from an ocean of hate dished out or drowning from such hate, forcing actions of pain?

Hidden with all we've got, we wish not to open these moments, moments surrounded by an ‘ocean of hate,’ so we pretend we ‘did/do fine’ or even go to that it ‘didn’t happen’ denial place of safety.  But that ‘ocean of hate’ has potential to come back to consume us, for the enemy’s carefully designed scam is to stunt any breakdown of his planned divisions. 

So what is the solution?  

First "I" have to admit I’m drowning (it matters not if giving it or receiving it) and then the most fascinating experiences begin.  Difficult to understand because there is no real formula of words or action, but strictly an offering of heart!  

The heart is so confusing for it has many avenues to attempt its own survival but NOT the answer.  

Often I must sleep on it or allow quiet time to ponder what the heck just happened.  

Then I listen 

and watch 

as this may take form 

in many behaviors.  

Recently a dream came, so I saught deep into it after painfully going through the emotions of admitting this drowning.  What was its underline theme?  

I dreamed a yellow caution line was drawn to show me a divisional territory.  I saw a smaller territory that was a playground of no worries; but then as a yellow dotted line was drawn to show a much larger territory, a caution was sounded as I woke wondering why?  

So I ask the Counselor.  The Holy Spirit that resides within to train, equip and guide me to my Father.  I have no clue but fearless to ask, for never have I found any question treated as silly.

My question..., “Huh? What did that mean?”  

As I searched and began to read His Word, this scripture kept showing up.  My first understanding - not within my own knowledge - was I might be in an ‘ocean of hate’.  I check my heart.... "oh God.. do I hold a ocean of hate against someone? I just thought I was painfully hurting or depressed."  Connecting the dream with this scripture,I could hear His sweet voice as I opened my heart …. Surprised to be loved!  Oh how I fall to this guilt.  I think that is why so often I write of such... it is of such surprise.  For I know me all too well.

I asked another question..."What is loved?"  

Usually it isn’t what I think it’s going to be.  Like a child filled with themselves, I think it means everything goes my way verses another’s.  This is so unsatisfying.  So I squirm as all my defenses go up to fight.  But the fight changes as I listen with new intentions for I feel so uneasy about the 'drowning' word.  

I am asked..."What truth and what deception wants to be added to my struggle?"  

When defeat is found and I surrender to His disciplined amazing Love, the enemy’s most general reply is the “oh, aren’t you so holy”, trying to apply His (God’s) Holiness upon me - as if I'm trying to be Holy or be God Him self.  This is when I must stay connected to the Source but not take the Source as my doing.  I simply become a vessel of His Communion, as hell breaks out to storm the gates of heavens riches within me.   Knowing the humility that even Jesus took, I must work desperately to only hear/say what the Father says.  

With successes and failures, I stay close to His Heart, as I fear the Lord with such respect who has lavished His non-countable bounty upon me.  

When opinion or thoughts take shape and I find it escaping, I want it to be known it is but my opinion, for I am a terrible judge.  A statement merely to take to the Father for reprove and/or correction; exposure of truth or false within its borders.   

I must remain 'in' Love, (not my own - for my love proves over and over to not have the substance His Love proves).  But in His Love - it flows to both me and to whom I may be hurting over.  How else can I hear Truth speak unless I am nestled deep in His pouring of Communion?   

Far too difficult is the exposure of darkness without Love’s never failing holding.  

So my heart takes in its broken state and its need, as I experience unconditional acceptance as His; separating Truth that Love exposes from the enemy’s accusations with full intentions of destruction.   

As the Hero of all, swoops me out of lies that dissolve like smoke in the air, He stands me up on a wide-open field and there I am, loved in spite of my surprise.  Accepted as His own no matter what the outcome.  Love, His Love is my guide.

Now weapons of warring prayer goes to the heavens as I declare His Love will abound and deliver us from evil.  No weapon formed against us will prevail.  The Mighty One has conquered death, hell, and was resurrected to sit with the Father to ever make intercession for us.  

Holding me, pulling me out of oceans of hate as His Pleasure and great Joy is made with Songs, I surrender to His Love so kind.  Dances are choreographed in heaven with sounds of honor to He who Delivers when and each time I am captured in Loves Domain to pull my self and others to His Wonders.   

For the ultimate cause of Love was manifested to one drowning...me.  

How amazing is His Abundance to me.  Weak and broken, He comes with the Sword of His Spirit and kills the enemy who wants my soul.  Over and over and over defeat is His Victory within me.  

Some day I will face the Almighty and before Him I will throw my crown Jesus bought for me, and know that I come to His Throne only because His Love was upon me.  

I believe ultimately … Jesus came and did two things that guide me to the Father. 

One…He revealed the un-comprehensible and unmerited Love the Father has.  

Two…He exposed the enemy in the heavens and on earth.  This He did for me so that I can live in His Riches according to His Work working the same Beautiful Works within me.   

If you have ever asked to see the Lord’s Beauty, look at your life and experience the surprise of being loved.

Failure Causes Me To Go Deeper

Suddenly

love seems to explode in my world.  

Caught by a song

or floating notion,

in a snap,

what had been traveling through,

capturing my attention

to be of utmost importance,

dissolves;

love has now decorated itself

boldly so all has new color. 

Shaken for motivations of all kinds,

I begin the pondering

of what love might speak;

for although known to be mine,

each occasion

is fresh like a needed meal

for hunger’s call. 

Holding on with utmost approach,

I stretch the moment

by repeating over and over

loves impression

with this entrance cry

– “Shine, oh shine on me,

love that walks in impromptu. 

Spread Your sentiment about

so the fragrance of Your delicate aroma

raises notice

some One has arrived! 

Leap, my heart,

as I embrace the Hug

I know is coming my way.”

Joy covered in tears accompany

for I am so loved

not a thought enters

of my own appearance;

how unlovely I might be at the moment. 

Entered so many, many times before

assures me this entrance is to love,

just as I am. 

No worries;

no obligations;

and yet I struggle to trap love to stay. 

For the Song that entered

brings with each encounter

new clothes to cloth me,

new eyes to see differently;

enriching me with strength

to replace such weaknesses. 

If only, oh, if only

I could share back

such tremendous affection! 

Failure causes me to go deeper

into the wonder

of such love given me. 

Delight surrounds me

with capacity as I hunger

of this mighty love.

I seek to splurge

with emotions

as feverishly I gather

to fill my belly with His zeal

so lavishly poured upon me.  

I ask with plea’s….

“What can I do to love You back?

I am so empty and frail.” 

His Voice sounds as thunder

about to bring the soaking

of pure drenching soft rain…

”Let me come in and live with you.”

Without My Knowing, I Began To Love

As I come close 

to such a place as Your Presence, 

Father, I want to honor You 

as I take my heart 

now with all its wonders so full 

of what You put there.  

For I am so amazed 

at what seems to be 

Your pleasure in me.  

Giving to You who I am, 

what I am; 

met with so many surprises 

I never quite totally perceive 

how You are going to show me 

Your own heart.  

I only seem to see a portion 

because it has such extremes involved.  

The moment I breathe 

in the delight 

of joy You cause me to be sensitive to, 

I struggle to embrace 

without my own poking of self faults.  

I wonder… do You see them?  

Have You closed Your Eyes 

so that You can take me?  

I suppose it is hard to comprehend 

Your passion while such kicking 

and squirming goes on.  

But, I am learning to love You 

far more than what I thought 

was possible within me.  

It is awesome feeling such love, 

proving an explanation 

of why I am living.   

It seems like only yesterday 

that I recall knowing You loved me 

but it was more of 

something my mother taught me 

rather than the experience 

of such sweetness it is today.  

Now I search for any moment, 

any opportunity I can find 

to bring myself to You 

and lay in this unknown.  

For without my knowing, 

I began to love 

and know You 

with my own purpose of life 

altering my days and affections.  

Fascinated as You gave me courage 

to explore such a 

scary place 

as an Almighty.  

Such an Author 

of this world’s before and after, 

I drew near to You 

with shaky faith 

and an emptiness 

that screamed for real.  

Fearless with extreme Love so obvious, 

I run to You, 

easily grieve when time has stolen 

the ambiance of our joining together.  

How I have enjoyed 

this time in Your Presence.  

Not disappointed, 

I take with me yet another sparkle 

that I will wear 

as I shine of Your Love.  

Papa God, I love You, 

love being with You as it grows.  

Jesus was such a great Gift 

from You 

for my eyes to find You.

For without my knowing,

I began to Love and

find You don't close Your Eyes,

but watch my steps

with pure passion.

I Am His Giggle

I am His, 

I am a portion 

of His existence 

that gives satisfaction 

to His own creation upon earth.  

I am His smile 

that lights up the world.  

I am His giggle 

that is heard 

in emotions of joy 

among a city of believers, 

gathered 

to dance His song.  

I am a purpose 

that He demands 

the fear upon His Name,

 for the roar of His protection 

falls, 

to keep deliverance 

in constancy

 on my behalf.  

Trembling 

from the enemy’s camp 

has war on mind 

but failure 

as its only results.  

I am the color 

of His eyes 

as I reflect His love 

in a walk made perfect 

for me.  

I sing 

in partnership 

with heaven’s rejoicing 

as I am 

made 

joint heirs 

to make the sound of beauty 

of His awakening bride 

for His Only Son.  

There is no higher Holy; 

His kingdom comes 

as my heart grows 

to house His Love 

designed to fill 

the total of all. 

His plan is 

but one aspiration, 

to fill me 

with Him 

as His Love saturates me….!

Nobody Attitude

Oh True One, One of Simple Love 

that carries the whole of creation.  

My many words 

take a back seat 

to my heart that speaks 

with a single attraction 

to You.  

For I do not want 

to just speak of You 

but I want to 

feel You move, 

I want to feel Your power 

that shifts me 

and takes me 

from earth to Glory.  

Full emotions of life 

like a text to a son… 

carrying my thoughts 

to hug him with extreme emotions, 

attempting to convey 

what is squirming so passionate within.  

This sunshine that consumes me, 

this mama love; 

Oh God, 

I yearn 

to hear the same from You. 

Love from a Perfect Father 

which has eyes for me.  

My God, 

the only Absolute, 

who is Holy, 

moving His Spirit to find me 

in only weakness, 

lifts my head to cause me to know 

my face is upon Your Heart.  

My body wants to crumble 

under such love, 

crawl under something, 

as my eyes drop.  

But You pick me up 

so gently under my arms 

so that I am 

unable 

to resist, 

and sit me on Your Lap.  

You hold me and smile 

as I embarrassing accept unmerited favor.  

Eyes now staring 

and a smile across Your Face, 

You wait for me 

to tell You my story today.  

Listening so intently, 

as if You have nothing else to do.  

Difficult to believe 

You have such an attention 

to my silliness, 

I cannot but smile back.  

But then it hits 

and I am changed from 

rags to riches and 

I 

begin 

to 

giggle.  

Somehow I was 

wearing clothes of a beggar 

and within a twinkle 

I look about me 

and I am draped 

with the apparel of a princess.  

The music in my heart 

changes and now I hear 

the Waltz of Your Heart Beat 

and it seems to sing 

its Love Song for me.  

Closest as I dare to know, 

I lay my cheek against You 

as I hug this moment.  

Oh it is Rich. 

Love that has substance now, 

melts upon me as if it is oil.  

So warm is this oil 

that flows so slowly.  

Like a walk in a misting rain, 

I raise my head 

to feel it with all that I am.  

For now it seems 

to be the total of my atmosphere, 

inside and out.  

I hear You say… 

“Go Play, sweetheart.”  

"REALLY? “

"Oh yes, 

for my Love Covers you.”  

I look about me 

and see such Beauty.  

Again with such question, 

for it is not easy 

to dare think so much is for me.  

I speak… 

"REALLY?"  

He looks deep within my heart’s eyes 

and says again 

with the Whisper of His Heart, 

“I am there, everywhere.” 

The Potter has looked upon His work 

and is satisfied.  

I expand my heart 

as I release the tears that burst.  

I allow the pain of my 

“nobody” attitude 

to run away

as tears come.  

For I realize the ONLY thing 

that has kept me 

from Knowledge of His Love so ready, 

is when I have allowed 

such a message 

have its toil upon my being.  

His chase for my heart wins, 

as I surrender in my words 

“I’m Yours.”   

Not as one might think 

of how that requires, 

but as a Knowledge 

of a claim from a maker.  

Arguing that a maker 

did not design and make, 

only prolongs the clay 

from enjoying who made it; 

nothing to do with fact of creation.  

So I lose my argue, 

I rejoice that I was made… 

made from One 

that knew His Plan and Purpose 

from His Beginning and End.  

His Glory will fill the earth 

as His Love is planted 

in the hearts of His creation.  

We are in His Hands.