Fear - I'm Scared

Here I am, an amazing piece of art that the creator made.  I stand, I sit, I function by a design that came from the eyes of His own imagination.  I am held in His thoughts which are broke down in the fractions of moments; deep, much deeper than seconds of time.  I am given a name just like the father of history Adam and Eve, and I am made from their existence through His Knowledge that produced a place for my smiles and growth to come to understanding of His finding me.  Nothing is hidden about me.  Nothing; and this detail of my life took His heart that works in such extreme to every game I would be a part of, every event I would see or touch, and set extravagant love to keep me from falling from His Grip. 

 

Knowledge of such detail, Him making me, chases away all fear, deep fears, as I begin a remarkable world of trust.  I discover some important puzzling revelations. If I worry, will I change the event?  If I fall to the bottom, will this be the place I lose my name?  While there, will I have nothing left to give him? 

 

I marvel, I can only marvel that at all ‘places’ I find I have gone; I am accepted as He is ready to reach to that very event.  I can give who I am at that moment, for His Love, His creation of me, gave me the ability to look up.  See Him there; see Him fulfill His promise to never leave me.   The more I wanted to hide, the more I was scared and felt alone.  Waiting for punishment once I was found!  The more I covered for myself, the more I felt I could not find enough thickness to give me the safeness I wanted. 

 

Surrender is so confusion.  Won’t I die if I surrender?  What will happen to my comfort I have built?  Funny, how comfort has such a self-made wall that we are in constant testing to make sure it did not walk away, so fearful is its constant work.  But surrendering from your own work, surrendering to His protection, I become sealed to His Heart for now and to the end.  It is a knowing that my name is His Name now.  Amazing Grace has saved me.  When lost, I am found by His want of me.  Fears turn to praise of who He is, praise of the kingdom I now belong.  Fears have no substance because I am no longer in its fight but in His Hands.  For again, I am an amazing piece of art that the creator made.  I can try to understand who made me, but the truth is, He understands me.

I Walked Into Its Flames

It amazes me how the Presence of God comes and goes.  This does not mean that He is not with me all the time, but that at times it is as if love or His Presence is so strong that only if I write am I able to hear or see its beauty.  My blog today reminds me of a time (2010 I believe) I was driving across a railroad crossing (yes, when this comes, it is as if every sense about me takes note).  As I bumped my way over, I was singing and a dance came within, and my heart began to dance without concern.  It was so real, I wrote of it as quickly as I could, but that did not seem to satisfy me enough, so I set up a couple of cameras during a lunch hour and danced this dance that next day.

The image was so real, it becomes a part of me. I saw a hand from heaven reach right above my own and it was as if it attached itself to mine right above my arm. I giggled as we played together up and down arm movements, as I experience such delight.  Then this hand reached to my other hand and we played joyfully the same dance.  Then each leg, as I continued to giggle with my creator who was having as much fun as I was.  Then, the hand reached for my heart and I stopped my giggle.  I pondered its request for I did not know what this event would involve. I held my heart, as it was my own, close to me.  Soon, as I continued to dance and feel such safety, I gave my heart; but the unexpected happened.  I felt myself die (so to speak) and I went down.  I laid there, no dance, just laying upon the ground.  I felt a mighty breath come and it lifted my chest with such force yet I fell again to the ground.  Over and over this happened until new life was restored and I was filled with unbelievable strength that seemed to form itself around playful abundant love. What a wonderful time...!  I am not a professional dancer but have enjoyed the romance of dance in church with other believers before God.  I have never had dance, but it fascinates me as the whole body speaks a language.  Someday I may get brave and post this dance video for it is a message said without words but clearly heard. 

Here is a moment I want to record forever where I am somewhat going about my day and I am captured by a Wind...!

My heart has been imprisoned 

by a Wind that passed by.  

Lifting my thoughts of common, 

to catch fire, 

and blow out of control.  

I was fine, 

my soul was singing; 

but my heart bid my soul 

to sink into the uncommon 

and listen to a New Song.  

A death was before me, 

within a vision, 

but not within knowledge of why.  

“A Spark in heaven was sent to set fire”, 

I am told.  

“Why,” 

my run pleas for some sort of discerning.  

"I have human kind 

to build me houses, 

why has this Spark 

come to burn without constraint?"  

Groping with scrabbling acquaintances 

from my mind, 

I skip around this imminent flame.  

With fierce color, 

the fire is so beautiful; 

I cannot take my eyes off its move.  

With such safety as its Word, 

I walk into its flames 

as it captures my breath - 

and warmth pours to form a Face before me.  

Eyes looking at me 

without the color I am accustomed, 

but with a thousand emotions of passion.  

Every emotion I have ever experienced 

begins to soar to meet passion's sound, 

as unheard of love 

takes me through its fire of change.  

I hear Word 

but with such new comprehension; 

as if I now can identify with each tune 

Word carries to form the simple of one.  

For I remember, 

yes, I remember 

when many words spoke
to form one thought; 

but now, 

each word forms extreme thoughts.  

Searching deep 

as my own eyes crumble with tears 

as fire exposes so cheerfully.  

With a smile beginning to make 

its appearance across my emotional countenance, 

I look with sobbing shouts 

unheard around me, 

I am moved by such a flame of love.  

For passion left its heavenly home, 

died as sin without sin, 

to rest me in its extreme 

for eternal rolls, 

as Wind moves 

the flames of love
Fire has set.

A Missed Cloud God Was In And Then...

Four days ago I was in such a state of hunger for the Lord.  I'm talking deep walks together that I have grown to enjoy.  It did not happen as things piled up and I grew so weary and in want.  I began to write the pain I was experiencing.  It went like this...

Poppa, what do I do about disappointments when my heart suffers from a missed cloud You were in?  I was so looking forward to riding its lining as its wind blew, swirling around me.  I ran to grasp on to the current but found I arrived at the conclusion and not at its beginning escort.  Sensations of sobs touch my deepest impressions.  The impact prints its’ sorrow before me like a news headline that strikes its words in bold color "MISSED APPOINTMENT".  Lost, disoriented, I stumble as my mind goes adrift; floating, wandering into what could have been.  It’s as if my mouth becomes dry and traps my heart from speaking with voice.  Could I be so injured?  I ache with a spoiled distress and its soreness lingers into my existence of time. 

***

I was passionately broken.  Today though, was a moment I count as so unexpected to the opposite.  For I was minding my own work load and the extreme of something so moving came into my room.  I literally gasped as I could do nothing but acknowledge this Presence, as I dropped what I was doing.  Sobbing, I wrote:

Why have You walked in?  Why?  Why have You entered with such power causing my dry eyes to become fountains.  My upright position leans, as I tremble, for I cannot remain as was.  Busily I was working, but my heart fills with passion, I cannot continue as was.  I shake, I tremble, for I do not know how to hold a King and His Presence.  I do not know how to honor such Royalty.  I can hardly breathe as You remain.  I never want to move for I have been kissed with purity as it wraps its lingering image into my mind, body and soul.  My eyes search to find what Your Presence has come to say.  What do I lay before You?  What do I prepare as my response?  I am lost in Love’s entangling insanity.  I have dropped whatever I was and now I cry with sincerity, "I am not responsible for the actions of my heart caught within this embrace".  Your Voice begins with sounds that reach the lowest of sounds.  Notes that take me to the bottom of the scale!  I listen, oh I listen, as it ponders its place and performs while I am captivated of its intenseness.  Holding its sound so low, purpose and plans grab me and I swiftly give no struggle to this warring authority.  Commands released in the heavens, I hear its energy give no alternative to outcome.  A Light that has no shadow, only brilliance, pierced the dense well-chosen path to find me.  My breathing intensifies as each breath I let out, pushes, as if it’s been instructed to give all, in order to bring in new fresh air.  Reaching, was this Sound, to play me, to hear and become part of its song as it starts to rise.  Flying in speeds unheard of, I fly to high notes that amaze the ears of angels as they have not let up on their assignment to watch.  I shake in a trilling voice of extreme for my Sheppard left the 99 and found me.  Grace begins to sing in different flavors of sound, while His embrace carry’s me into His Kingdom.  Gently now, I find a smile slowly developing, as I dare to look around at where I have come.  Where His Song floats my heart as trust smiles back.  His Name takes on a Face rather than just knowledge and its loveliness causes my hands to reach about and touch His eyes, His nose, His mouth; as if seeing it for the first time.   I see this man now and I lose all grip with holding back all tears as I wonder why I have not seen Him before.  Was He a fable, a good story, a person of good character that I hoped somehow if I said His Name, I would get something?  But here He is, Jesus, a God with amazing features I can’t describe.  Singing with me, for me, over me, about me... we are His Love Song.  He is real with a voice that sounds.  He has risen and He has taken me with Him. Locked in His Arms, we dance to heavens tunes.

 

How Do You 'Bring Your Heart' To God

Father, life seems to be so wrapped around our heart

as we listen to the sounds of so much. 

 

And in the midst of it all,

You simply ask,

“Give me your heart!” 

 

It’s almost as if that is a daily look

from Your Love beaming upon my life

that struggles with the silliest of events. 

 

What an amazing place to be the holder of my heart

as I weigh out all those sounds

to make the decision of where to take it. 

 

I listen to reason;

I listen to the emotions that talk

the fastest and loudest within. 

 

How I ever find the door that opens this fullness

so mysteriously calling for my surrender,

I cannot comprehend. 

How do I 'bring You' my heart? 

 

For I stay in the struggle with complete responsibility

to be noble, to be good,

stay in the wall of something

that has assured me is wisdom…

being ‘mature’ as this mind pushes me

to introduce to all those around me. 

 

Poppa, You must surely smile when You see me

 thinking I have searched with such mighty knowledge

and found the door that brings

this fire untouchable, un-measureable,

brighter than all the flashes of lightening

within the sky,

into my life as I enjoy love untraceable,

unmatched from beginning to end. 

 

How comical it has to be to watch

this cute little piece of clay,

created by Your hands for Your pleasure –

rise up and fight the day like she was going to conquer

if she stands tall enough in eyes around. 

 

How funny and yet I find myself somewhat amazing also. 

 

For Your request

 “Give me your heart”;

Poppa, is like the stars lining up

to spell my name in my darkness

just to tickle me with such passion. 

 

My fight to be someone taller or smarter or richer,

has got to be about as goofy as a child can attempt. 

 

I do not know how to find this place

where I bring You my heart,

YOU woe ME to its meadow

in the midst of all my noise,

and You watch ME as Your love never fails. 

 

YOU find Meeeeeee

and with the greatest dance I can dance,

I honor You with my heart….

My heart, to You! 

 

The God whose eyes search my heart

finds a dizzy little child

who loves her Daddy…!

Multiplying Nothing X Nothing

I have a longing; longing for what I have experienced many times but always with new satisfactions. Wanting to go deep, deep into parts about God that I do not know. 

Poppa, reach toward me, step whatever steps it might take to communicate words that are a part of my vocabulary but have not expanded by Your Spirit's wind.  I struggle when I feel out in the cold, consumed by wasted time, wasted words that multiply nothing times nothing.  Following fleshly unction's pass my time and I have nothing to show for enjoyment of riches from a blessed life.  Ever lasting love was the title for my day and I slipped in and out without much thought towards this faithful promise set for my pleasure.  I want the sweet of Your Name to consume me in such a way that 'sweet' becomes a substance that holds me tight, as it pours in enormous streams.  Your character loving me as I gaze at something I don't understand, but ride its fragrance as it carries out its position to fill the room.  My thoughts begin to smile as Your Name echoes over and over the essence of invisible shocks I can follow to return facts You loved me first.  Slowing down moments of my day to stretch them into fascinating bliss as songs begin to gather their notes to form the hum of heaven's tunes. 

Oh Poppa, say my name.  Call me to what breaks my resistance so I offer my brokenness for Your confidence.  I am so in need and can only give you my sacrifice and wait for its growth as you turn it to be food my soul screams for.

Go To OKLA, What Ever It Takes

On a Sunday I was singing and praying for the worship service

and I was broken as Truth whizzed through my heart

with sweet impartation that never fails

to change me from seemingly one seeking position

to an acceptance position

that has this overwhelming effect of divine Love. 

 

On and on it goes as it washes within me

with its simple yet profound purpose it was sent for;

taking me through the house weeping with hands raised. 

This strength now takes its adrenalin serious
and begins with new purpose
to shower God's heart within my heart ...
His affection.  

- - -

Now, days later I remain in awe
as I wonder about in this invasion of Love talk
which struck me
with its softening that turns a stony heart into flesh. 

With confidence the Holy One spoke to teach me,
“It’s not the words we sing,
it’s the heart we bring.”  

Without words,
just me,
I go, I bring my heart
 and watch Him be delighted. 

Oh my…! 

But Wisdom continues...
Surrendering with new depth
to the One I have eyes for,
I am challenged yet another time,
as this mama’s heart yearns for children I’m given. 

Three birthed and two added gifts through marriage. 

I speak their names with ferventness,
causing sensation of passions to curl my body
to crumble under its load. 
Too heavy is its love passing through me! 
Too crushing is the weight of such strong imprints
upon my heart of need. 

Music of worship and prayer playing in the background,
I hear the tearing of another’s words I recognize too well
as they cry…
”get us ready, whatever it takes”.  

I fall in response. 
I recall - September, 2011, setting in a tree
with two granddaughters,
I was visited by the Voice of One’s Commanding Love
coaching me. 

Torn by the pain of a traumatic brain injury
 that released confusion within my husband’s life,
its load crushed and bruised
 my love made for him
 a tower to give him refuge
during a time he would never remember. 

As my strength weakened and his gained,
I could not escape the trap words built to stone me. 
They had a fire I could not seem to pass through. 
I weakened day by day until His Chariot rode to my side,
guiding this heart to Come. 

In this paradise, a tree,
I giggled and shared in the fun,
the work of my son, for his daughters’ enjoyment
this silly little tree house. 

Yet, My heavenly Father came
 to offer in a blink of an eye,
the same …
His Work for my enjoyment,
His daughter. 

His Love spoke with safety one never ignores
as I heard,
“Go to Oklahoma, no matter what it takes!” 

I scarcely heard ‘no matter what it takes’
for my thoughts were focused upon
“GO TO OKLAHOMA”
Hearing clearly
but without the comprehension of experience. 

I immediately raised the question to connect Eye to eye
that was screaming in my head,
“WHAT?” 

Again, I hear Him say with what seemed to be
an image before me
as big as a mountain
and yet transparent like a faded photograph,
“Go to Oklahoma, no matter what it takes!” 

Having but little discerning of what this might mean
and yet a million thoughts of what it might bring,
I felt amazing peace.  

The process begins.  Shaken I call…Oh Lord,
I know only to walk in Your Voice’s Call. 

With weakness of flesh
but with great intensity
from this mysteriously highly seasoned Encounter,
I walked in the office of a place of employment
with my summon. 

I gave my instructed heart's command
to the man I loved.

I surrendered my resignation and cried before a boss
that calls me sunshine. 

 
I remained with no knowledge of how this would go?  
I only knew to ‘go’. 

On my way to OKLAHOMA I refused to call anyone. 
Then after four hours of driving, I knew it was time …
...where would I go? 

I called several family members
and no one seemed to have a phone,
for not even dial tones were heard. 

Over and over His sweet Voice would whisper ‘David’. 
I looked at my phone and with tears streaming
I followed His Voice, I made the move.  

David answered immediately
and arms were opened
and comfort drenched my heart. 

The beginning of an amazing restoration trickled in,
yet with force like a mighty water fall. 

Day and night it was as if angelic harmony was around me. 
Family and friends, new and known,
came in vast continuous waves
as weeping was met with healing. 

Separated from the gift of my husband,
I rode upon this unleashing New Sound of compassion
I was so unfamiliar with,
as His Heart carried me while my soul surrendered
against the levelheadedness a mind fights for.
That heavy chain that drags us around
as we depend upon our own understanding to prosper.  

Five months of His Jealous burning fire
Loved and held me within a celebrated victory
of my surrender. 

His Name written upon my heart,
I was singing His Love as it played its song in me,
but the enemy released hell against me. 

I lay in the Arms that never grows weary
nor put me down to walk alone,
yet I could see the gates of hell storming the door. 

Day and night amazing songs filled my heart
as I gathered His Glory to dance in. 

Following His Love to find Grace for my soul,
the same Call to go, made a divine Path
that amazes my heart for a bigger surprise
than I could have ever imagined. 

Again adding His Love with Arms outstretched
from the new and old, my world is enlarged. 
For my feet now walk His Love
in both Kansas and Oklahoma. 

Only my God can give such gifts that take me through life
with my days increasing in relationship. 

Why would I weaken when asked to pray
'whatever it takes'
upon the jewels in my life? 
Why would I soften to plead against God? 

Oh mighty Holy majestic One,
I run to Your alter and take with me my five. 

I dance as the Spirit gave His Wind’s Call for mine
but why was I stunned when this came?  
Was I holding to some unnoticed grip
that told me ‘I’ somehow could manage alone
to get them to find You?  

Why did I weep so when Your request was raised
that I pray this feat - RAID with inescapable contact
to each child for their homecoming to take place.  

How favored I am that You have reached so deep
within my soul to cry for those I love. 

Oh luxurious magnificent One, I celebrate this moment
and respectfully lay my prayer in line with Your Love
and surrender to whatever it takes,
cause them to know You, Holy One.   

Impart what it takes to have full view
of Your Glory which SPEAKS to the soul
and places a yearning run
to the rescue of Your Will, not our own. 

I take in Your cry for my children
and I come to this same agreement…
You are their Savior. 

With Your Love at each of our turns,
I continue to surrender and pray
pour upon us 
whatever it takes
to bring us fully to You.

Finding Belief

Oh deep love

that has walked into my life,

love that satisfies my eyes

and quenches the thirst of my soul

to such a depth

I cannot move from His stare. 

 

 Losing grip with what meets me with hold,

I have fixed my heart

to this river of warmth

and have no intentions of return. 

 

Its substance settles with such smoothness,

I dip my heart

into its refreshment

and allow all its love

intensify to increase desire

as I weaken to bow only to such passion. 

Expand, oh heart,

for I can only hope for more. 

Sweet like honey,

runs this passion about me

and I have only to taste one drop

to be kept in His promised arms. 

 

I lay in adoration

as love’s eyes speak

and I believe. 

 

Oh how thunderous

is the belief

that pierces with joy upon a broken heart;

the deafening love that thrust away

the enemy of pain. 

 

For who can question belief? 

Who can break its presence within? 

Who has the key to tear its wall of protection? 

 

Belief seals the weary mind

with acceptance;

no longer to remember pain. 

 

For in my heart is a birthed knowledge

of who You are

as Your eyes now roam

to love every inch of Your creation. 

 

Amazement fills my thoughts

as such love transforms the rags

of what blindness caused,

to this new belief now dominating

with inward knowledge of fact.

 

I BELIEVE...!