Left To Fend In The Dark

My heart crashed with the thought I have been set aside by someone. I am too much to invest in any longer. There is no more medicine from them to me. As I pondered the finale feel to a 'I give up' I felt crushing going on in my soul. Like a dad saying he no longer wanted to be your dad... something to that effect. Difficulty was just too much to carry. I could not stop crying so I took a shower for a place to just release some pain. I came back and began to write.

It is the difficult that always seems to be the best for us. I suppose I'm reaching over into the cardinal or that place that is not looking for my best all around, just my minute to minute pleasures. Would I need a Father if I could do this all on my own? Would I take out the trash in my life if I were left to be the judge, jury and complete say for my verdict? My anger rises and says... did I ask to be here? And then I'm taken to look at such a compassionate God who said He was going to redeem me before I knew I needed redeemed.

Help me Poppa, help me understand I cannot redeem the world, nor even myself. If I can get this work, it surely will help me not expect it from anyone else concerning my own life. If I am left to fend in the dark by someone because my value has dropped below my worth the trouble... I am falling under unless I have some One grab my heart before I hit the ground. I listen to reason, but whose reason is the loudest... my own that might surrender to the value set by someone's weariness. 

Oh how I despise my own lack of being strong and able. How I despise my flesh that renders good and bad together as an answer. I am fully aware that life is only from my Creator. You only give life and You even give life more abundantly than expected; yet my actions curl up in a defeated position as if what I know has no say.  I only know to stay reaching, stay in the Kingdom and trust Yours is the glory forever... not mine.  You make the darkness tremble which means I too release the same if I stay in Your Kingdom. 

Looking at life with new affection. Looking at the floor as new height, seeing it as a surrendered definition unknown, takes the crush of a paralyzed word into a stairway filled with opportunity to see fresh with each step upward. 

I offer my pain to the True pain giver, the One who uses my dysfunction to bring me to live in the suffering for Christ's sake.

Mourning the process of acknowledgements. Mourning and grieving the city, Jesus pushed through to not give up. To know that although He sees the city in a wreck, it is more than just this one city He mourns. Not taking the discouragement to a place that it is over. Nothing is over until the Father places the fullness of His love as completed and fulfilled. I walk in His righteousness, not my own. I walk in His strength to continue, not my own. I walk in His revelations, not my own. I walk according to His path, not my own. 

When I fall, I get back up and look for the path again. I watch for His hands to be outstretched as He refuses to give up on me or any of His children. I declare He is the right way. The hand I see pulling away from me is not my Father's. It is the deception of fear. It is the deception that I am being thrown out as orphaned. I am purchased and owned in love's grip. I have kindness stored in unmerited and unimaginable supply. I have been given an insight into a song being written, a story being told, a love that cannot run out. 

I have yet to experience the greatest height built to seat me in heavenly places. I am so close in His love, I might think I'm alone if not understanding the beauty and freedom of abundance. The enemy wants to keep a noose about my neck but the Father lets the heart roam and find. Explore and give back. Sound out noises and let it be gathered to be footsteps of angel armies. Calling and rushing to win much. 

Believing has the might to break eardrums of the flesh, but cause the sounds of heaven roar in praise. Believing has the capacity to paint on the edge of a stretched atmosphere and further the  roaming heart. Sealing the song about generations of believers. Original sounds happen from believing, which thunders otherwise chaos. Word comes alive and forms a revelation. The mind is renewed as hunger stirs the heavens storehouse of recipes. Final touches are made as believing stays focused and not weary. 

The continued invitation rattles the impatience into holding beauty with care... like the watch of a float rather than a fall. The beauty one can behold as time no longer becomes the focus.... just seeing Holy. Just beholding His beauty. Just the satisfaction of being instead of hoarding a mess nest. 

Holding the moment. We  cry, we sing, we dance, we climb, we move, we eat. We are, instead of we want to be...!!!  Dark is only believing while in the ground, before the bloom.

Marvel - What Is This?

What is 'to marvel'? I read the bible and the greatness of such pictures take me to see huge from small. A five verse story can explode into a movie within my head.  Carrying the impact of even more to come. I realize it's too much and so I become content to eat slow, but by all means, continue to eat. The wrestling with my thoughts can be a fun adventure or a nightmare, but always a challenge.  This walk with a live Story Book can crumble and build. It can sing and scream. It plays its role throughout my existence as I become a part of each story. I am His created being. He is my light. I marvel because I am the clay. I feel as though I am constantly being rebuilt and reused. Taking me from glory to glory, I find the covering of a mastermind. A whole love that can recycle rags to riches, as many times as I need to be formed.

Where does the energy come from that stays my heart? Where is the process of paths created before me, so I wander not off into un-returnable gravity. How is it I whistle during the wars of heavenly chaos as He pulls me to His love?  Is there yet more, my heart marvels? Has the extravagance of one scene stopped to give its all, or am I forever invited to experience eternal new song of emotions and creativity. Experiencing each now as far more than, and yet, adding to this glorious existence.

To marvel is the open heart. The rights to passion is extended to explore and be elevated. The healing to be made whole has entered into the breath taken. Explanations are created from experiencing His love. Love at first sight melts the weary walk every time. From confusion to included. From breaking to mending, as who I am shapes more clearly. The clay ready as if  steps are but the beauty of such an altar scene that settles all wars. Surrender simply creates the abundance of many houses, many dwellings to experience extravagant love.  He would not of promised if it were not so.

Come, Heaven to earth! Come as I marvel!

Crackling Fire

Poppa God, my body feels out of joint today, but the real hurt is when it feels I am struggling with the knowledge of Your Presence. Letting go and wandering about in that place where this earth and any of its pleasures fade behind, and the crackling of the Fire is heard about me. Knowing the heat will melt away discouragements and troubles of the flesh. 

The renewing of my mind accepts the challenges of fresh words and quiet of the soul. My eyes close but I begin to see more clearly. The ceasing of my search for another god to take my focus to false joy, I surrender to the one unknown God who is the only absolute.  

Stir this Fire and let it's crackling sparks fly about me. Setting its starts where ever I go.  I take my ashes and wait at Your love's work for beauty. I cry as fuel to continue the burning Fire. Send the fourth man/God into this furnace to amaze our minds with renewed faith. 

Finding the conversations from deep revelations that surface to give our exploring hearts new steps to enter the promised land full of fruit, as our giants fall to their death. Healing mind, body, and soul as the heart stays guarded with Your pure manna we feast upon. 

All my hope is stayed on You. Calm the seas as I explore this walk upon water. As I respond to the call to keep my eyes on You and keep walking toward Your position, Your knowledge of the Father. 

Holy Spirit transform me by the renewing of my mind. I want to walk in what is good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God's Way.

Drink Offering

I can only be brought before this substance like I was invited to be stirred into a marvelous drink offering. Like I get to be part of the flavors set before the Father as I give back the extravagant love poured over me. 

I watch and wait. I live and have my being. I receive and return from my overflow. His love has come to earth through the song of Jesus. My eyes see unknown while my heart consumes the beauty of its pleasures. 

My feet dance before, during, and after, the taste of such substance tells of the journey about to come. The buildup of waves beat against my heart and create a drumming that keeps me in perfect timing with Heaven's celebration. 

The gathering of worshipers have slowed the atmosphere so every sound wakes the sleeping souls within. The Name whispers from lips more than ready, from the belly of intense yearning, J  E  S  U  S... and a roar of a silent pull increases the cry for Heaven to come to earth. Again, and again, over and over, the silent pull of intensity bursting from the depth of the belly. 

Groaning with elaborate languages unknown. Fired from wind and fueled with enormous strength, silent pull for Heaven to come. Vibration shakes the Heavens. 

The people of His love has found the source of life in the man/God who came to reveal His Father. Delight has spread the Word and its unstoppable.  Every secret has been carried to the ear of forgiveness and locked behind His victory.  

The raging fire of love lights the sky as eyes look upward. His risen purpose for us to see the Father unites the bride as we enter His courts with praise.  His kingdom come, His will be done... on earth as it is in Heaven!  

The whole earth is filled with His glory!

Fed Strange Antidotes

Poppa, I am soaked in You and it is the need to speak or the rocks must cry out. I have been placed with so much love, one cannot hold. Your Name has been deposited into the depths of my soul and it carries all my past and future. This break through, cracks the walls of darkness, and light is the very breath of fresh air my soul longs for. Something within me reacts as if it has been years since our last encounter. As if I was lost, and found by such a presence so strong.

Let Your Song be sung as I take my heart to this place of power. As I ponder in the very healing I have long fed strange antidotes, that only kept me in confusion. Healing that transforms thinking, my thinking, into the land of milk and honey. Bringing to me nourishment's larger than I've seen or known to be in existence. Keeping me here, staying without fear of giants, building faith that walking in holy has the rights no one can drag down the Son. 

Keeping my eyes open to focus that this kingdom is where the works of the flesh dies to each swallow of His Name. Consuming Your body and drinking in the blood that still flows over this land. I shake with the ah of excitement and stunned with this glory, Your Presence come. 

I cannot be silenced, my soul will not lie still. The story remains in my heart, You are there. I have His Name, Jesus, and He sings so loud I dance with this Kingdom Come. 

Luke 19

(40)  And he answered and said unto them, I tell you that, if these should hold their peace, the stones would immediately cry out. (41)  And when he was come near, he beheld the city, and wept over it, (42) saying if you had known , even you, at least in this your day, the things which belong unto your peace! but now they are hid from your eyes. (43) For the days shall come upon thee, that your enemies shall cast a trench about you, and compass you round, and keep you in on every side, (44) And shall lay you even with the ground, and your children within you; and they shall not leave in you one stone upon another, because you knew not the time of your visitation.

God Wonders What I Think

Comfortable with walking in the garden, that's the cry of my heart today.

Comfortable with knowing He is coming, or knowing I can hear Him on His way. Telling Him what I think, how I feel. Like Adam, who was placed in this garden, God brought him animals to 'see what he would call them' (Genesis 2:19). Can I imagine this? God wondered what Adam would call the animals. Would that be the only wondering moment for God? He never again pursued His creation. Or could I be a wonder to Him as well? And if He wonders about me, what does that do for me?

Communicating the fascinations I find, and not a clue what the results will be from my honest explanations of my actions. Subject to learning forever more. Taking deep breaths and letting the river flow from my heart, speaking all the emotions, words, questions I have crossing my mind.

Lifting my conversations to the One who created me first and then from that conversation speaking to the wonders of others around me. Comfortable with walking in the garden.

Having the dream that I am what He searches for. That He is not only interesting, but I am interesting to Him. He is listening with deep, deep interest far greater than I imagine. God gave me free will, free roam, free time on earth as a created human. He too is fascinated with me. Do I understand this? Absolutely not! But I sure know humans (Disciples) baffled Jesus. I love the statement, "How long am I going to have to stay with you (Mark 9:19)?"

He did not stop with Adam and Eve but rejoiced to continue love pouring through sources of clay pots, tabernacles to hold the praise and honor that will lift us higher into satisfaction and eternal bliss.

His favor comes from the open heart. What I think when I read the Word... not what someone else thinks. What I discover when I experience worship coming from my own mouth, not what others tell me to say. What I hurt over, what I cry about, what I stumble with.

Such a beautiful exchange of spoken and unspoken communication with the Highest and God of all.

Faith I was created, faith I will be forever treasured, releases trust and hope. It is the 'can't get enough' yearning that brings about the table spread before me... His Table!  God wonders what I will think, making even my thoughts of much value.  Why wouldn't I want to tell Him?

Breathing Is Like Tasting

I sit and ponder, as I soak in the movement of God’s existence. 

Breathing is like tasting something so delicious. Just want to savor each portion of this dance. Releasing air somehow fills rather than empties. And inhaling gives room to do it all over again. 

What is in the wind? 

What artistic pattern is the roam of my heart? 

Do my thoughts delicately paint beautifully before the throne? 

Has the heavens prepared for this round of love?  

Was the whole of my life designed for this moment? 

Is this cry escaping my expanding realm of emotions, the notes of collected oils to pour upon and within the city of my God? 

Can love like this sing and become such oil of gladness? 

The search happens 

and I fall toward the One 

who heals all brokenness. 

When He says He makes a way for me, is this the way? 

Where the heart melts with the overload of love, His love!  Will I someday be allowed to be here forever? Never left out, never rejected, never second! Always the first choice as this choice guides me across the skies. Never along but joined with millions and millions of others as our dance designs brilliant colors yet to be created. 

Movement through the air stirs and throws new as a constant visual so vivid and beautiful, eyes of saints and angels watch this electrifying display of God art. Every emotion has its style that inhabits a place and releases vibrations which sings a new language ears must prepare to hear. 

Just as the struggle to see God and live, so is the Sound so intense. Sleep (rest, peace) is the silence used to break through. Surrender is the only move to make.

Breathing is like tasting something so delicious.