It Is Odd To Not Feel Your Own Wants

I love it when it works for me to take special time in the morning to search my heart.  Lay it out before the Lord.  Often I am so unaware of what is going on in this busy mind of mine.  

I began to play on my keyboard and sing

(Singing my prayers seem easier… maybe it is because it’s accepted to repeat words in a song.) 

Such an interesting time with God.  Exposing my issues, good and bad, I could feel as my insides make changes, sort of like cleaned out, as I called out for His Life to Work in me, I admit I am unable to continue as is. 

And then another Miraculous happened.  I was so caught in His Presence.  

I will try to explain.  

It was if a FACE was in this apartment.  Strange to feel just the FACE of God but it was like no other time.  I stopped and felt the awe of such a Majestic Place surrounding me, Taking my words like they were true explanations of who God was. 

I sang in whispers, 'Holy'.  

I sang in cries, 'Holy'. 

I lifted my voice, 'Holy'.

'Holy' is not an adjective but a Noun with a State of Existence of God.  

It was as if when I exhaled, my air was in a Solid Form as Spirit Called an Assembly, and yet it was the Intimacy of just me and the Father.   

As 'Holy' was Placed before the Father, I could sense something happening within me.  

Then Spirit told me that each time God is Declared from our heart in this Knowledge, we become more like Him.  As we say who He is, who He is Grows within us.  I found myself, of course, wanting to Find that Explanation from the fascination of its Reality and speak it over and over and over.  But in doing so, I found it was not a word  that could be repeated as if it held some sort of power I could own, oh no; but was only breathed from something deep within and from a Knowledge that was somehow Given before spoken each time.  

God is Holy or Complete Holiness; no imperfections.  I felt it was not a time to pray as in or for anything or anyone.  I was Stunned within His Presence as my fingers made the melodies across the keyboard and my voice blended in with what my heart was saying.  I knew time was again at what I call 'eternity time' for the distractions of earth have no hold or can play no games on your mind.  I was caught in Spirit Time with the Father.  

As I write and relive this Miraculous, I recall how unattached I was to my life.  It was not that my life had no value, absolutely not, but that the Value of the Father was my total focus.  

It is 'odd' to not feel your own wants or wishes.  

I found that interesting.  I remember wondering if this was how the Trinity were... of constant thought to each of the other's Work while blending their own Work to the same end.  I don't know if I can explain or how well I'm doing at trying.  How can I reach with words to share this Existence of who He is and what my experience of intimacy with the Father was like? 

And then, it changed.  I knew I was to redirect my attention. 

I placed my children before His heart and wept as I touched their soul with Him.  

God was there.  So Real that I knew it was His Strength that would cause us to make it.  Confident and FULL as if I just delighted myself to the riches of my favorite flavors.  How could I ever be the same??  

---

I do not understand how later in the day I again could struggled with emotions of loss, emotions of failure, and emotions of distraught like I did....!  But with excitement and knowledge of who God is...Holy, without imperfections, I reminded myself.... in His Presence is Fullness of Joy and again found Victory.  

How puzzling it is that in the depth of worship, your own life is Strengthened. 

Oh God, Teach me to Live in Your Presence...!!!

My Prayer For 2012

What is it that I want for 2012… Can anyone understand…???? I WANT TO SING “HOLY”, “HOLY”, “HOLY”, “HOLY”, “HOLY”,  “HOLY”, “HOLY”,  with worshipers around His Throne.!!!  

Once, oh God, ONCE, I felt my spirit was There unlike I have ever heard or experienced prior to the year 2011.  Before This Throne - that Sounded worship of ONE WORD - Exploding into so many Meanings.  The sky around This Place was like the thickness of a substance impassable through.  My mind closed down and earthly movement was not clear.  I lost time…. not in the sense that it passed by me without my consciousness of it… no, it was as if the time it started was no different than the time it ended… there was no time…!  From my heart came the Rumbling of His Spirit to set the eyes of my heart upon a Purpose, to live Here; to stay forever in This Place, with this One Word Proclaiming multiplied to thousands of thousands breakdown of Active Creation of Meaning.   No explanation of Satisfaction…. no, NONE!  For could I share on earth what heaven Gives?  Can man accept the Design of God?  Speaking before This Entrance has no entrance of another person with you, it is Intimacy Created.  It was not or is not a division of this piece together with that piece… oh no, it is a Place of no division, but all become one with innumerable Beauty of Activity.  One moment in This Place caused havoc with my journey on earth.  Losing importance prior holding of grip held me captive.  Earth’s riches began to hate me as no longer its riches radiated in my mind.  A New Light had Burnt me and I had only a desire for This Taste within my heart.  My speech began to change for I no longer had the mind prior to This Moment.  This Place did not have a face but Energy that Melts unknowns into Knowns my mind could not articulate.  The Ultimate, as now there is no other place.  Now there is nothing else to want except to return.

This year, 2012, I prepare with surrender to this Fascination.  For I hear the Sounds of His Rhythm and it causes me to dance with Abandonment as heaven’s Heart Beat Gives me MORE…!  I SING “HOLY” as a Description Created in heaven as the Sound of its enormous boundless Word it was Given to me to Sing…!!!!  Day and night Flowing in His Current as I sing...!  Worth, oh He is Worth all.

As If My Daddy Works Here

Father, today I reach out

to touch Your Love

that Reaches so far low to Touch my heart. 

Leaving the Place of Your Glory

to Show me the Heart

You have always had

 - Still Exist Today -

Christmas, the day we celebrate -

the Birth, Life, and Death of Your Son. 

Jesus who Cover’s

my stumbling self attempts

at knowing my Creator. 

You are the Father,

the Rescuer of Your Love

Placed in Your creation,

us. 

Knowing we would love who You are,

Oh yes, Knowing

we would yearn with all we have,

You Gave and Gave and Gave

to all that are broken,

all of mankind. 

Gathering us to Live

under the Saturation of Gifts

and Pureness of Fatherhood. 

Holding us when our knees are weak

and our hearts become heavy;

Smiling upon us

during the tears that call upon Your Voice

to be heard. 

Bending with Thunderous Sounds

that Vibrate all the Mass of the Spiritual Realm

so our burned out soul

will be fed Honey of Sweet Substance

that causes us to know

nothing is impossible - as we might have feared. 

Tempted to fight instead of Dance,

You Sing to us

and Give us a Desire to Wiggle

with Destiny of Your Love Song

so every Moment is a Tease

to Go Closer to This Song,

Your Son. 

Moving to the right and jumping up and down

with this Beat heard,

You Giggle over my clumsiness to Dance. 

I Tickle You

as I even try to sing the Song…

sometimes off key,

sometimes with perfect pitch;

but listening and seeking

with the Taste of Your Pleasures in my bones,

I Dance. 

Oh Your Beauty,

Your Music that Plays all around me

causes me to wiggle,

like a child who hears a beat

that moves their feet uncontrollably. 

I Hear Your Tones

and I mimic words I think I’m hearing. 

I begin to sing sounds

that appear to my thoughts

like a song in creation.

Sometimes dum da da ahhhhhhh

is all that comes out

but to me and You,

a Magical Connection to the Heavens

was just made

and my whole attention

was Caught

by Your Love Thoughts for me.  

The pings of my love to You

are like the Sounds

of thousands of angels

who swarm Your Glory

for its Warmth and Beauty it was Created for. 

One sound from my heart of love

 Raises Your Eyes from Your Watch

to See its Color

and its Beauty You Made me to be. 

I release my hold to fight

any urge of intimacy

for fear of its cost,

and wiggle and giggle of my silly heart

so full of love for you. 

I will hide in Your Acceptance

of my silly dance for You

and enjoy our Connection

that Captures all my childishness

as Delight to Your Eyes. 

I will jump into Your Arms

of this Fatherhood Smile for me

and allow You to Swing me around

until I’m dizzy with giggles. 

To where You Call me

Sweetness

and Buttercup. 

Tickling me with Surprises

that I can hardly consume one Treasure

before You have another one

beside me to Unwrap. 

Chasing me around the couch

as if You can’t catch me,

allowing me to giggle

as I play in Your Love Pursuing me so Strong. 

Causing me to beg for more, more, more…

one more time Father; 

Come Get MEEEeeeeee….!!!!! 

I’m so in love with Your Way,

in love with Your Heart

that Disciplines me to Your Fullness. 

I’m so in love

with Your Ever Mindful Pureness so Big. 

Big, bigger than anything my little mind says. 

Bigger than a mountain,

bigger than the trees

that outgrow my strength and statue. 

Playful with Love,

but Mighty with Safety. 

Songs that Calm my storms

as I walk

in the Throne Room
as if my Daddy Works Here. 

I talk and talk of my pains,

my worries, my angers,

my fun moments, my happy times,

my most cherished friends and family….

all my thoughts I bring

to the Throne Room

as if my Daddy Works Here

and I am Quietly listened to

as You are Moved by my child like faith. 

If I cry, You Cry

If I laugh, You Laugh. 

If I dance and wiggle,

You Dance and Wiggle with me. 

I am Your Beloved one

that Jesus Brought to You to Enjoy. 

I whistle while I play

and You Assign out angels

to Guard against predators

who  prey on the innocent. 

I am so in love with You. 

You are so Amazing. 

I love playing with You. 

I’m glad You’re my Father

and that You sent Jesus

to Show me How You Work

and Where You Work. 

Thank You Jesus

for Leaving me Spirit

to Teach me all Things…!

See me wiggle and dance...!

Found From My Own Drowning

Father, oh God of my soul…

I weep this morning for I am

so Found.

Found by Your Love,

Found by Your Caring Hand,

Found from my own drowning. 

I have been Found by Love’s Gentle Care

I ran to;

as tears drop faster than I can write,

I am forever grateful. 

For how could I of ever Found myself?

Oh no, You Found me!

You Found me lying in a puddle of despair,

Your Found me struggle to live. 

You Found me in moments of my life

in painful cries that speak to You. 

But You Found ME! 

My Loving God, I cry, I weep,

I am so grateful!

I was bleeding inside

but You put a stop to its disease. 

You Sent Your angels to Cover the wounds. 

I am forever Threaded

with a Garment that Seals

every opening

for Your Love has Come. 

I shake for I See

Your Mercy has been the Moisture

that ran from my heart. 

I sing tears

as You Gather them

for a Garment about Your Heart. 

I was so lost but now Found. 

How does one stop tears

that take this Thought

from Your Love Come down. 

 You have Touched my heart and I was Found. 

I join with many

who have lived to Know this Place. 

Violently is the fight

to Stand Here

as flesh dies a slow death,

but Sweet is the Surrendered soul who lets go.  

I am even now in this moment

being Kissed by Your Love so Abundant. 

Kisses that Touch

as my tears roll

to show ME

that it is You that Comes

from eyes so tuned to Your Heart. 

You are Sweet,

so Sweet to all of my emotions Given

to Teach me of You. 

The Wind of Your Love Blows so Gently

when I am being Carried in its Current.  

I want to build a Tabernacle and Dwell here forever. 

I want to sit before Your Throne

and cry Holy, Holy, Holy

in Unison with the creatures before You. 

My soul cries out for this Place

to be my eternal destiny. 

When Love Comes

in such Extravagance like this,

I have no strength to do anything but Stay. 

My tears are a fountain of respect and ah

of all the

where, what, and how

of my flesh’s pity. 

I am Moved to See what I did not see. 

I am Wooed to Rest from all I was trying to rest from. 

I am allowed to Cry for all the things I was crying from. 

Truth being Your Love Rules

Saturates all the stings and worries I had. 

See my tears,

See them oh God,

they are my passion for You. 

Your Passion for me has Risen so High,

I can only weep back

with knowing I am Loved so Greatly. 

I cannot give You anything You lack,

but my heart I give

with such excitement. 

I cannot stop crying. 

Like a river that cannot find its end,

I am in awe of this Place

and continue to run with Your Current. 

I will sleep in Your Current

as Your Dreams and Visions become mine,

wake in Your Current

as Your Foot Steps Play out in me,

I will rest in Your Current

that Takes me to this Place of Eternal Love. 

Swiftly You Flow so that no one is lost. 

Pushing me with Force

that creates an unbelievable battle

to fall from Your Grace. 

Your Violent Heart

that Beat the enemy

has been Given to me to Live by. 

When the enemy tries to move me

from Your Current,

a Violent Force Given me

will battle against him. 

Your Love has Conquered death, hell and the grave. 

Found

to See Your Beauty,

I surrender all. 

You have First Place.

Hanging Over a Cliff With Threads Holding My Safety

December 6, 2011

Things get worse?  Looking at life on earth it doesn’t appear that it will get better.  I’m just asking. Can I not stay in one place?  I am so rattled and find myself thinking, 'This is a God thing?'  I can’t hold myself together… this was already proven and Jesus was sent. 

Father, I am Your child.  I sleep tonight with that tied to my heart where NO MAN can go.  It is my Name, my Seal of eternity now and then.  I feel like I’m hanging over a cliff with threads holding my safety.  This sort of makes me know I must be secured with the largest of cables… I don’t know.  Looking back I can always see more than my screams wanted, I got victory because You Life had thousands of angels fighting for me.  I am weak of body but I am not even bent with unsure trust.  I just know that my mind is pleading for understanding and assurance. 

December 7, 2011

I woke this morning so puzzled.  The Peace in my heart was actually puzzling…!  I had slept all night without a single stir.  I wasn’t sure even how to respond to it but then I read my thoughts last night before I went to bed and find His Love was Fighting… angry for me… sending His Host to pull off the racket that troubles my soul.  I reread…I sleep tonight with that tied to my heart where NO MAN can go.  This is tremendously an Anchor to my heart.  I only know to sigh WOW. 

I am encouraged now to truly search my heart and allow God, who is Big Enough, handle the troubling mind that took place… I will continue with boldness of KNOWING His Love is BIG ENOUGH.

Father, please take joy and not sorrow in what I am about to say.  That is my heart… not to cause You sorrow and yet if I trap myself to that sort of thought, I am a slave to ignorance.  My weakness trips me from knowing how to pick myself up.  Something inside cries that it is easier to stay on the floor; stay down where I can’t be thrown down for I am already there.  Who I think I am often keeps me in denial and in true blindness.  I’m always asking the wrong questions.  I want to awake and ask the questions that will cause my eyes and heart to see clearly Your Review.  When my eyes are truly opened, I will not even be recognizable by others.  That is okay, I am ready to rid myself of the picture I try to show.  Rejection from my Gift is so confusing.  If a Gift is Given, I guess I thought it would be mine to grow with.  Did I treat the Gift wrong?  Did I not serve my Gift?  I have not understood.  I have read in John… ‘If you are really blind, you would be blameless.’  I’m I blind that I am not really blind?  Did a sheep stealer steal my Gift?  Was I not looking?  Did money draw my Gift away?   Are rocks being thrown at me for Trusting You?  I am Yours, Your daughter.  The same… You with me, You in me, You my Completeness.  But death knocked on Gift’s door and it cried it was done, finished with being my Gift.  Is this for Your Glory.  Are You allowing death to be in Gift’s heart for time to Show the Magnificence of Your Glory?  Should I take a nap, Rest while I wait?  Death has begun to stink and I want to attack Your Choice to allow stink to move in.  I Trust You and I’m running… running,… running… running!!!  I have my eyes Fixed upon You as I have seen Your Work so vividly Wondrous.  I’m removing the stone that hides my pain.  Do what is needed to cause me to Believe with Higher Amazements.  Bring Life back to Gift so a whole nation can be gathered under You in this Life.  Questions are asked because Answer is needed.  Fragrance will be sacrificed as souls see the Kingdom.  Children, men and women will place hearts before Your Steps because of eye witness account of seeing the seed buried to reproduce Your Life.  Recklessly Service will be displayed as the Voice of Your Glory is Lifted up.  Forever Light will be lifted up as this Light Dwells within.  Heal the blindness.  I am not afraid to be kicked out.  I want Your Acceptance, not the acceptance of man.  I do NOT refuse to take in You.  I Command the Father’s Heart as Truth so I will be a part of what Father is doing.  Your Pattern of Service is mine.  I wash the feet of Gift.  I receive who I am, to Reveal Your Glory.  Forgive me for asking WHERE ARE YOU GOING as if I don’t have Trust.  I’ve been with You and Your Words are in me.  My Work is to take others to the Father as Your Glory is Shown.  ALWAYS Truth is staying with me.  Alive is my Reward for keeping Your Commandments.  Friend, Remind me, those things that bring Conformation.  Remind me again that the enemy that steals has no hold on me because of Your Truth.  I am inseparable because I am Home in Your Love.  Your Joy is my Joy.  My life is on the line for Gift.  You have Chosen me as a Fruit Bearer.  I don’t want to be loved by the world, I want Your Love.  God Signs are such a delight of my eyes.  Confirmation of all This is explicit.   Friend is here, within me, exposing the error of sin.  Righteousness comes from Above.  Trial and Conviction is our Salvation.  Guiding me to all Truths to make sense about all that happens.  It will Honor Father with Great Joy like a river overflowing.  It is sad when the world throws a party, but Joy that cannot be robbed is from the Asking of Father His Truth.  God, oh God, I fall Deeply in Peace for You have Conquered the world and it’s anger towards me.  To every DETAIL… EVERY DETAIL of Your Work, COMPLETE in me.  The Message is Your Life on Display in me.   Your Watch over me is without fault.  I join Your Word and the enemy has no hold.  I believe in You so that I become one in mind with You, to Show Father that You and I are exactly as Spoken.  I drink The Cup Given me and follow Your Love.  Your Teachings is Above.  I am one of Your disciples.  I died according to Your Rule so that I Live in Your Kingdom.  You are not guilty of any crime, ever!  You are my King.  I am Your Garden that Your Love was buried in to.  I hold all that Your Death was about and also the Resurrection of that Death which Conquered all sorrow and pain.  Death and Resurrection Ascended to Father so that my spirit has Life Eternal and Life Abundant here upon the earth!  I received Friend within my Garden to Guide my eyes and heart to all Your Truths.  I throw my nets overboard to pull in more Truths then I can contain.  Then I eat and count my Blessings with great Joy.  Alive, I see You Alive in me.  I love You and carry Your Word and Work.   To my own earthly death, I follow You.  Writing down so much Love, like a Honeymoon never written.  I wear Your Love as my story…!