Dancing with my heart, my words, my song, and my love, before my God…

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who
LOVE YOUR NAME may rejoice in you. Psalms 5:11

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I Cried. I Wept.

Oh Blessed Awesome God, I am so excited for today I have tasted such
Delicious Love!
It fills not only my mouth with Your Praise but my whole belly with Substance that Satisfies wondrous, deep lasting, cravings.  For in a dry and thirsty state I sat at an instrument I use to accompany me as I sang from the pain of a distraught heart. 

I remember often the story my mom will tell of my youth.  I went through a period of time as a teenager that I refused to cry.  I do not recall this very well but she has mentioned it often throughout my life.  In these years so cold to discipline and hardened to my own understanding of life’s tormenting struggles, I slightly remember vowing to stop crying as life hurt to much, so I did.  It broke her heart as she saw me dry up. 

This morning as my fingers made its way up and down a few simple keys on my keyboard, I began to hear You Say her words, “its okay to cry.”  Over again as the Softness of Your Plea came Rolling in, “It’s okay to cry.”  

I looked up to the Bible opened before me and saw a beautiful picture as I read Psalm 3:4  To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill (NIV).  Suddenly I saw King David crying, literally crying with the tears that come from one broken and struggling to accomplish what seems to be so strong within his heart.   

I cried as I confessed I cannot give up my dream.  It pounds me hard night and day.  I cannot lay it down as it appears I must. 
I cried.  I wept. 

I shared my broken heart to Him, to the One that Delivers me from my enemies, even when the worst enemy is my soul.   As tears streamed from my eyes I began to sing in my broken voice as I cried like David cried, “Break my enemies teeth so it no longer makes sense to me.  Cause them to be jumbled words that cannot give utterance to my ears”
Psalm 3:7 Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked.(NIV) 

I continued to sing my cry against my enemy… ‘my thoughts that take me to misunderstand the God that I serve.  My yearnings that pull me aside and hinder my path that was Designed from His Love.’ 
 I cried.  I wept. 

I felt His Love begin to Pour.  I felt new Strength as I yielded to a cry of such deep pain.  I could feel something Rising inside so I sang from this Strength as David sang… “I will not be afraid of tens of thousands of thoughts that have spoken against me… no, not even tens of thousands of thoughts.  I will Rest. I will lie down and Rest.  For You Lord Deliver me from them all.” 
Psalm 3:5-8  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.  …. From the Lord comes deliverance….(NIV) 

I am not going to give up.  I will set my eyes upon my Father.  My dream will not move so I give it to Him for I am Satisfied in His Love.  He will take my dream and Mold it to be the Delicious Love my heart craves.  It is in the Greatest of Hands.  For He will Mix and Match the Ingredients to Serve me a Delicacy fit for His Owned.  I look towards His Holy Hill as all its Wonders come rolling down upon my soul so dry and thirsty.  His Appetizers have Glory as it’s the Serving Dish and Filled is this Cup to the Order of my appetites.  I have been Taken to the Courts of Worship and my senses have Turned as His Delicious Love is Set before me.

He speaks as I found my fingers suddenly turning Pages of His Word to Sing back to me. 
Song of Songs 2: 4 All I want is to sit in his shade, to taste and savor his delicious love. He took me home with him for a festive meal, but his eyes feasted on me! (The Message) 
I cried.  I wept. 

His Love is Soaking into all my thoughts, Devouring all pains; and confusion no longer has any worth.  I ponder His Delicious Love as I do not want to waste a single Morsel.

He continues to Speak as again I turn to His Word to Sing back to me. 
Psalm 2:7 Let me tell you what God said next. He said, "You're my son (daughter), And today is your birthday. What do you want? Name it: Nations as a present? continents as a prize? 
I cried. I wept. 

My voice no longer has sound, only my fingers play as my heart Hears His Love.  I hardly know how to respond.  I did not understand so I asked, “How is it my birthday, Lord?” 

My heart tunes in to listen as I hear Him say, “Today is a new day I awoke you to.  Every day is your birthday for I make them Fresh and New each sunrise and you are my daughter from its start. Brand New to you. Now tell me your dream. 
I cried. I wept.

I begin to meditate on such a Word, my mind searches my heart to give Him my honesty and not my self hardened desires….?
Lord, I cry in sobs now,
 I want to be near my children.  I want to be next to them so I can be a part of their life but I cannot tell if it is Your Plan. 

I cannot get out another word. 
I cried. I wept.

As If He Knew that would be all I could say, He Responds.…
You are closer than you know. 
You are so much closer than you realize. 
I cried.  I wept. 

Tell Me, He asks again…Tell Me about your dream.

With Renewed Acceptance I began to sing as I heard His Love and Understanding and no condemnation….I knew there was so much more to my dream than I had imagined so I searched my heart. 

I sang loudly as the Spirit within me Gave Truth…! ”
Lord, I want my children to Know You the Way I Know You. I want them to be Close to Your Heart as I am.  I want them to have Your Life within them." 
I cried.  I wept.  

His Gentle Understanding begins to Fill my heart, My Daughter, He Calls me, I have seen your dream and I have Known the Meaning as you have ran to its call.  For your desire to be near Your children is Me wanting to be near your children.  Me wanting to live in their lives.  Me wanting to be at every event.  Me wanting to Love them with Passion I cannot contain.  You are walking out my heart and I will Fulfill this Love for you.  Give me your hand and we will be a Song of Love. 

I cried. I wept. 
He Holds my dream as His Own.