Dancing with my heart, my words, my song, and my love, before my God…

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who
LOVE YOUR NAME may rejoice in you. Psalms 5:11

Thursday, February 28, 2013

What If God Stopped Your World

Father, if You (the very Being of who You are – the life giver) were to suddenly say “stop” and I was in the middle of the most exhausting difficulty I could imagine, You would have the same heart toward me as if I were floating in the most extreme fellowship between us possible.  For You move within me, as You move about the whole existence, and the sounds of mysterious keeping of my soul is wrapped in an unyielding release no matter my run or halt. 

I shake as this tremendous power describes its portrait of holding while arising within me the awareness of such a colossal authority.  Dominating without apology of ownership of the air I move in.  As this thick essence lowers and I sit in quiet to hear, my body immobilizes as if truth caught me by surprise and my eyes turn suddenly to hear a new endorsement of who You are.

I was strolling in a dream where I was industrious within my own home; stunned I find I did not own these walls. I look at what was and has always been before my eyes but with a new question of its intent.  Like water within a glass might think it builds its own kingdom, but in reality it can only take the form it is placed in. 

I marvel; I know not what to do but marvel. 

Wanted and created but owned by One who owns the air.  His electrifying supremacy commanded the water to part that land be formed; set my heart to know small and grow as His love is allowed to dominate the energy it has.  My fingers that touch non eternal items in this place - dissolve to fact it is no value.  Enlightened, as I begin to search one by one the things around me; new assessment of worth forms as its face changes.  So many arguments fall to nothing without ever another word spoken. 

I cannot stop trembling. 

I never recall wondering if Maxine Burger Ford was my mom, or if Robert Ford was my dad; but oh how often I wondered if I were really a child of God.  Could it be as simple as giving my heart (life) to Him and I was born into His kingdom?  Could I be assured of the life to come within a heaven I have never seen?  Simply believe…?  How can one believe something so mammoth is held within one’s own single thought?  

But here You are.  As I sit still, You inform me of ownership with authority I cannot question.  Then with tenderness and kindness of the greatest proprietor, You love offering me partnership that I could not experience If I took prideful actions it was all done by my own making.  Suddenly, I was STOPPED and Your Spirit that roams the earth, found me wondering before I spoke.

Now with fresh thoughts, I step upon ground that I do not own

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Just Let Me Hear My Name In Such Love

Father, sometimes having You within has this astonishing giggle that escapes from me like a rushing mighty burst.  It’s like something happens and you smile, then you giggle, then you are lost in laughter.  After a bit, you are laughing because you are laughing so hard.  Then it feels like everything and everyone around you is laughing and so it covers your universe.   The smallest of movement brings it on like it is the beginning of hilarious comical life events, all over again. 

Sheltered in this moment of nothing-is-serious mind-blowing, staggering, flabbergasting flashes, I am confirmed as Your child.  A child without cares, playing in the innocence before my watchful Father, I roll and tumble with hardly remembering what started this; for I am simple in comparison to the complex undiluted Spirit that dwells within me. 

I taste a trace of Your own uproarious nature
as I become amusing to even myself. 
One of the most treasured gifts I recall while experiencing the loving growth of my own children, was holding them extremely close and that magical moment in time I screamed to all that can hear, “LOOK, he smiled back at me….!”  How curious I wondered what is it that makes him smile?  Did he see me, his momma, and smile as he saw my love so focused toward him?  Did my eyes give me away, how I marveled at his tiny form?  Did he hear my heart beating with such fondness that such pleasure caused his smile to burst out prior to what he could even understand?  Did he hear me call his name, “Shawn”, “David”, “Keith”; and all else of importance fell to be nothing…just let me hear my name in such love.  A smile came in this tiny little body as love was found to be his. 
Love found him and a smile is born.
Poppa, You found me, a smile is created. I hear You say my name and see Your eyes looking at me.  I giggle for You love me…!  I am a tiny child in the heart of Your abundant love. 

I'm going to just keep giggling...!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Honeymoon Not Written By Man

I think one of the most fascinating things I have found about my hunt for God is that one MUST experience it through an intimacy or journey belonging to no one but yourself.  Yeah, intimacy; intimacy that is created for just yourself and God.  I cannot emphasize this enough...! I have found unbelievable romance as I have fallen into this openness and readiness to be a part as I see it, not how someone else sees it, or by allowing my romance come from another's romance.  What is working inside me, my doom, my difficulties, my broken heart.  I can be inspired and moved by another, but not taken into romance for the delight to be had for me.  I beg you not to confuse romance with learning His Word and applying it to watch the absolute glory of God rise in your life.  I am talking about the romance that refuses to allow your smile to go away.  The love that carries you as you stare back into eyes that gave it all to have you. Romance that lifts the soul.
So knowing I cannot create for anyone the romance with Father by my own, I wish to share bits and pieces of my romance, hoping to guide others to experience surrender to openness, honesty when it hurts, fear when you have it - not relying on me or another but to the creator to give answers and receive what is set to be your ultimate experience.  If you have the age old question...'if there really is a God then why blah, blah, blah,... then reach, say it to Him.  Cry, scream, whatever - but be real and let go of the lie that you already know the answer.  Ask as if you DO NOT KNOW and watch and experience Him rescue you from that demon of fear. 
About 3 or 4 years ago, I was enjoying Denver Colorado’s beautiful mountains with my husband, from a condo with an awesome view to enjoy.  The afternoon before, we were getting ready to visit a museum in Denver when we got a call from home.  Water was found in our basement and the girl staying at our house was not sure where it was coming from.  I asked her to go outside and look around.  She came back to say a huge tree in our backyard had fallen on our house.  We decided we would end our vacation early and come back the following morning.  We got up to prepare for home when just as I was taking another look at the breath-taking mountains, I walked back into the living room and His Voice spoke an amazing but confusing statement to me.  Stunned, I did not know what to do with such a promise but to share it with my husband.  God’s Love spoke, “I have given you a honeymoon not written by man, fix your eyes on me!”  No emotions, no hint within this Voice of what He might have meant by this statement.  I recall little emotions myself, actually, towards the ‘honeymoon’ gift; but was very puzzled over “fix your eyes upon me”.  It felt as if it was a saving statement rather than a kind, or tender suggestion.  I immediately began to question my affection… what did I have my eyes on?  Where was my devotion?  Why did God say to fix my eyes on Him?  The questions did not stop that day but lingered and lingered as I questioned myself over and over.  Was I ‘not’ focusing on Him?  I remember sheepishly speaking to Michael about my concerns about this delightfully confusing Word I received.
My life with Michael was, in a sense, not real or what I knew of a normal marriage; but a fairytale relationship, in my opinion. Love between us was daily adventures, rarely noticing each other’s faults, but blindly looking over bumps with diverted treasures. The honeymoon statement was sort of left on the back burner for I did not know if this was between Michael and I, or myself with God’s love.  I guess I felt safe; it was spoken so I did not need to wonder… it would or has happened… either way.. I win.  But the ending instruction was troubling! 
Life had been broken in on.  With a ‘tree’ that had fallen upon our house, repair was now a must or all sorts of outside elements would come storming in; and it did…!  The finale was great.  I recall how insurance came in and it was so fun renewing old with new fresh carpet, sunroom on back built by Keith, my son; bathroom updated.  But the spiritual stir (dust flying) in the house was not to be unnoticed.  A new thought now seared upon my heart and I was branded with His purpose to be chased. 
I look back and I sort of ‘left the earth’ after that day.  What would YOU do?  God tells me as verbal as I know how to hear, to fix my eyes on Him…!  Passion started to spring out of no-where.  I love the day (about a year or so later) I sat at a keyboard Michael had bought and started playing and singing.  I do not know how to play the piano but from that day forward I have begun to make music that amazes me. (it may or may not amaze you :0) I looked at Michael and said, “What was that?”  Michael said, “wow, I don’t know!”  I remember asking a friend…. ‘What do I do with this?’ and I sat down and showed him what was going on.  Surprised he said…”you enjoy it”.  It was the best suggestion I have heard then and now.
Writing was now dripping from my brain 24/7.  I felt so embarrassed that I would go on and on and on.  I felt stubborn almost, for I did not want to stop.  Imagine sitting at a feast and you have been allowed to eat with an empty stomach for hours.  The joy of consuming this as your taste buds joyfully scream, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.!!!!’  Once, when I was so grateful for such a feast, I asked the Lord how I could tell Him thank you.  He gently replied…”just say you heard me.”  I was putty as my tears mix with this ole dry dirt, I become moldable, changeable, while His Hands held me so tight.
I realize that this whole blog is very personal as I look back.  It’s a tiny piece of story of me and my God; but what I could share would take a book.  Recently I realized… you know, I have written a book and it’s called “Lover of HIS Name.” It's about my honeymoon.  He gave this to me - a honeymoon, not written by man.  This does not mean I am chosen out and given what no other is given.  Oh no, it means we are given a honeymoon, not written by man.  We are unable to write of such love as human.  It is not acceptable, it is not understandable.  It falls sort of what we have titled ‘sanity’ and leans over into insanity. 
I’ve had to make the choice that trusting God gives me better outcome than trusting myself or others.  This gives me freedom to make huge mistakes, unbelievable wrong turns; but with the kingdom I walk in, He has given me delightful discipline because He loves me.  I am safe.  I never want to forget… KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON ME…!  His salvation has the amazements of beauty for ashes, rags to riches.  I watch Him in my spirit and see the wonders of heavenly Love wrap its goodness - sounding within my life, and I hold on…! 

Fear - I'm Scared

Here I am, an amazing piece of art that the creator made.  I stand, I sit, I function by a design that came from the eyes of His own imagination.  I am held in His thoughts which are broke down in the fractions of moments; deep, much deeper than seconds of time.  I am given a name just like the father of history Adam and Eve, and I am made from their existence through His Knowledge that produced a place for my smiles and growth to come to understanding of His finding me.  Nothing is hidden about me.  Nothing; and this detail of my life took His heart that works in such extreme to every game I would be a part of, every event I would see or touch, and set extravagant love to keep me from falling from His Grip. 
Knowledge of such detail, Him making me, chases away all fear, deep fears, as I begin a remarkable world of trust.  I discover some important puzzling revelations. If I worry, will I change the event?  If I fall to the bottom, will this be the place I lose my name?  While there, will I have nothing left to give him? 
I marvel, I can only marvel that at all ‘places’ I find I have gone; I am accepted as He is ready to reach to that very event.  I can give who I am at that moment, for His Love, His creation of me, gave me the ability to look up.  See Him there; see Him fulfill His promise to never leave me.   The more I wanted to hide, the more I was scared and felt alone.  Waiting for punishment once I was found!  The more I covered for myself, the more I felt I could not find enough thickness to give me the safeness I wanted. 
Surrender is so confusion.  Won’t I die if I surrender?  What will happen to my comfort I have built?  Funny, how comfort has such a self-made wall that we are in constant testing to make sure it did not walk away, so fearful is its constant work.  But surrendering from your own work, surrendering to His protection, I become sealed to His Heart for now and to the end.  It is a knowing that my name is His Name now.  Amazing Grace has saved me.  When lost, I am found by His want of me.  Fears turn to praise of who He is, praise of the kingdom I now belong.  Fears have no substance because I am no longer in its fight but in His Hands.  For again, I am an amazing piece of art that the creator made.  I can try to understand who made me, but the truth is, He understands me.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I Walked Into Its Flames

It amazes me how the Presence of God comes and goes.  This does not mean that He is not with me all the time, but that at times it is as if love or His Presence is so strong that only if I write am I able to hear or see its beauty.  My blog today reminds me of a time (2010 I believe) I was driving across a railroad crossing (yes, when this comes, it is as if every sense about me takes note).  As I bumped my way over, I was singing and a dance came within, and my heart began to dance without concern.  It was so real, I wrote of it as quickly as I could, but that did not seem to satisfy me enough, so I set up a couple of cameras during a lunch hour and danced this dance that next day.

The image was so real, it becomes a part of me. I saw a hand from heaven reach right above my own and it was as if it attached itself to mine right above my arm. I giggled as we played together up and down arm movements, as I experience such delight.  Then this hand reached to my other hand and we played joyfully the same dance.  Then each leg, as I continued to giggle with my creator who was having as much fun as I was.  Then, the hand reached for my heart and I stopped my giggle.  I pondered its request for I did not know what this event would involve. I held my heart, as it was my own, close to me.  Soon, as I continued to dance and feel such safety, I gave my heart; but the unexpected happened.  I felt myself die (so to speak) and I went down.  I laid there, no dance, just laying upon the ground.  I felt a mighty breath come and it lifted my chest with such force yet I fell again to the ground.  Over and over this happened until new life was restored and I was filled with unbelievable strength that seemed to form itself around playful abundant love. What a wonderful time...!  I am not a professional dancer but have enjoyed the romance of dance in church with other believers before God.  I have never had dance, but it fascinates me as the whole body speaks a language.  Someday I may get brave and post this dance video for it is a message said without words but clearly heard. 

Here is a moment I want to record forever where I am somewhat going about my day and I am captured by a Wind...!

My heart has been imprisoned 
by a Wind that passed by.  
Lifting my thoughts of common, 
to catch fire, 
and blow out of control.  

I was fine, 
my soul was singing; 
but my heart bid my soul 
to sink into the uncommon 
and listen to a New Song.  

A death was before me, 
within a vision, 
but not within knowledge of why.  

“A Spark in heaven was sent to set fire”, 
I am told.  
my run pleas for some sort of discerning.  
"I have human kind 
to build me houses, 
why has this Spark 
come to burn without constraint?"  

Groping with scrabbling acquaintances 
from my mind, 
I skip around this imminent flame.  

With fierce color, 
the fire is so beautiful; 
I cannot take my eyes off its move.  
With such safety as its Word, 
I walk into its flames 
as it captures my breath - 
and warmth pours to form a Face before me.  

Eyes looking at me 
without the color I am accustomed, 
but with a thousand emotions of passion.  
Every emotion I have ever experienced 
begins to soar to meet passion's sound, 
as unheard of love 
takes me through its fire of change.  

I hear Word 
but with such new comprehension; 
as if I now can identify with each tune 
Word carries to form the simple of one.  

For I remember, 
yes, I remember 
when many words spoke
to form one thought; 
but now, 
each word forms extreme thoughts.  

Searching deep 
as my own eyes crumble with tears 
as fire exposes so cheerfully.  

With a smile beginning to make 
its appearance across my emotional countenance, 
I look with sobbing shouts 
unheard around me, 
I am moved by such a flame of love.  

For passion left its heavenly home, 
died as sin without sin, 
to rest me in its extreme 
for eternal rolls, 
as Wind moves 
the flames of love
Fire has set.

A Missed Cloud God Was In And Then...

Four days ago I was in such a state of hunger for the Lord.  I'm talking deep walks together that I have grown to enjoy.  It did not happen as things piled up and I grew so weary and in want.  I began to write the pain I was experiencing.  It went like this...

Poppa, what do I do about disappointments when my heart suffers from a missed cloud You were in?  I was so looking forward to riding its lining as its wind blew, swirling around me.  I ran to grasp on to the current but found I arrived at the conclusion and not at its beginning escort.  Sensations of sobs touch my deepest impressions.  The impact prints its’ sorrow before me like a news headline that strikes its words in bold color "MISSED APPOINTMENT".  Lost, disoriented, I stumble as my mind goes adrift; floating, wandering into what could have been.  It’s as if my mouth becomes dry and traps my heart from speaking with voice.  Could I be so injured?  I ache with a spoiled distress and its soreness lingers into my existence of time. 


I was passionately broken.  Today though, was a moment I count as so unexpected to the opposite.  For I was minding my own work load and the extreme of something so moving came into my room.  I literally gasped as I could do nothing but acknowledge this Presence, as I dropped what I was doing.  Sobbing, I wrote:

Why have You walked in?  Why?  Why have You entered with such power causing my dry eyes to become fountains.  My upright position leans, as I tremble, for I cannot remain as was.  Busily I was working, but my heart fills with passion, I cannot continue as was.  I shake, I tremble, for I do not know how to hold a King and His Presence.  I do not know how to honor such Royalty.  I can hardly breathe as You remain.  I never want to move for I have been kissed with purity as it wraps its lingering image into my mind, body and soul.  My eyes search to find what Your Presence has come to say.  What do I lay before You?  What do I prepare as my response?  I am lost in Love’s entangling insanity.  I have dropped whatever I was and now I cry with sincerity, "I am not responsible for the actions of my heart caught within this embrace".  Your Voice begins with sounds that reach the lowest of sounds.  Notes that take me to the bottom of the scale!  I listen, oh I listen, as it ponders its place and performs while I am captivated of its intenseness.  Holding its sound so low, purpose and plans grab me and I swiftly give no struggle to this warring authority.  Commands released in the heavens, I hear its energy give no alternative to outcome.  A Light that has no shadow, only brilliance, pierced the dense well-chosen path to find me.  My breathing intensifies as each breath I let out, pushes, as if it’s been instructed to give all, in order to bring in new fresh air.  Reaching, was this Sound, to play me, to hear and become part of its song as it starts to rise.  Flying in speeds unheard of, I fly to high notes that amaze the ears of angels as they have not let up on their assignment to watch.  I shake in a trilling voice of extreme for my Sheppard left the 99 and found me.  Grace begins to sing in different flavors of sound, while His embrace carry’s me into His Kingdom.  Gently now, I find a smile slowly developing, as I dare to look around at where I have come.  Where His Song floats my heart as trust smiles back.  His Name takes on a Face rather than just knowledge and its loveliness causes my hands to reach about and touch His eyes, His nose, His mouth; as if seeing it for the first time.   I see this man now and I lose all grip with holding back all tears as I wonder why I have not seen Him before.  Was He a fable, a good story, a person of good character that I hoped somehow if I said His Name, I would get something?  But here He is, Jesus, a God with amazing features I can’t describe.  Singing with me, for me, over me, about me... we are His Love Song.  He is real with a voice that sounds.  He has risen and He has taken me with Him. Locked in His Arms, we dance to heavens tunes.