Where do I begin, Poppa?
Wishin’ I could say I’m coming because I've just got it so together I want to offer from my abundance. But I am so empty I wonder if coming to You will fill the void; and everything within me says this thought is so extravagantly wrong...! How do I get so down that I lose sight You have the answer to every search upon earth, for every right road You beckon my concept to consider.
I wait upon You with my mind set “see, I told you, He won’t..!” I cry for it will not disappear but grows, as I stumble while hand in hand I dance with doubt and deceit. Knowing the picture before me has developed from the shadow I fear. I assume rather than make my way to see what is really there. I gasp in terror as I speak my fears as if they happened yesterday, so today I must make my move from their truth; yet all alone they scream fear of future, not fear from past. I talk, I cry, I move with a loud verdict as I pass my judgment on each situation, convinced my mathematically evaluation summed with precision.
Then suddenly, with a breath of wind, walls crumble that I built with steal, and there is absolutely no energy to rebuild.
Crushed and traumatized without my walls, I lay bare.
Love softly nudges but I hardly notice for I feel destroyed by my own trouble. How, or what could love do, that can change the color of my sky to be anything but rain intending to drown, not water. Strength again fails me and I can only wait while love refuses to give me over to my infectious wounds. Belly sick, soul nauseated as I attempt to rise. My heart feels a burn for it recalls only pain.
Where is your light? Where are the purposes? Where do I find my heart again? Who am I that I should even ask.
There was an explosion but I heard nothing for I was deaf. Love fought, love battled and awakened within what was dull. From the center of my being, loyal to my despair, I cry…”I’m sorry Lord. I’m so sorry Lord. I let my soul run away with deceit and loneliness.”
Strange is this place when love is the filter rather than trickery and loneliness. Strange is the air that with force unfelt, now brings in pure to patch and mend what was impossible to restore. Whispers, now notes that gather to form a new song, start calling my name. My heart broadens and trust is the acquaintance standing tall to tell me again sweetness that expands my position. A hand reaches to lift me to view my world afresh. Examine with a panoramic lens love gives to any defining moment.
Amazing to see my same situation with a healthy heart instead. Amazing to find the God of Angel Armies in full force, full armor, dressed with power, dressed with purpose. Standing at command from the throne of love, I see eyes engulfed in the beginning of wisdom, "fear the Lord God." Fear that never makes one run, but creates the knowing of who He is.