What I Search For

Poppa, going deeper and deeper to You, Your identity, Your deity; walking about the royal house, I seem to have to dig within me - as well as dig within what is written, what is said about You, to find more.  I speak or ask to know more but then it seems as if it is impossible to know You lest I search to the inner parts of my own soul.  I'm talking so real with self, it hurts; in that place that tries to shut down, shut off anyone from going there, including and especially myself. Thoughts that float so quietly lest I cast them away; for I know when sounded I would readily not welcome such imagination nor give rights to live within me. "I don’t want to look at that thought," I say…. And so it stays, sitting in wait, sitting still until it can burst out its destruction it has intended to produce; patient to wait its full sin.

I want more of You and yet if I do not search for honesty of who I am or what is it I search, I remain clueless and/or without manna that my heart knows as perfect.  Speaking the imperfections of others somehow slip easily from my lips as Spirit knows well the faults of evil.  But to turn light and truth inward; to allow Holy to guide its shining brilliant light freely about all my still motionless charged self-facts would be stirring up mud in water I want to drink.  My mind fights this logic of sanctification by the wonders of holiness You are.

But oh how thirsty I am today!  My heart speaks as with unknown tongues, stirring the deep; melting the cold frozen layers of ice I reserve for my sin to remain.  So I dig to the confessions that want to hide, that I might sing a new song of merriment.  Confessions, dead works that work to the top; so that I find total redemption this righteousness brings to my life. Your commandments are so pure and wise.  

What do I search for?

Poppa, like a star standing in its perfect place to reflect such a light that gives it such beauty -  this beauty I long for; for it is what gives me complete satisfaction when burning through me its work.  

What I search for?

When You see if there be any wicked way in me, I am released from chains about my heart that I did not know was even there.  The weight of such silly sin became a part of my daily run and I just thought it was supposed to be.  

What I search for?

I openly plea for Your perfect light, so I dance right out of chains.  I sing my repentance and You laugh with me as I experience Your commitment to keep me fully pleasing.

As a parent guarding and guiding a child to a full future, Your absolute, Your path for me is my meditation.  I am distracted but fail to find just what distraction misguided me so I come now and say purify me.  Cleanse me as I plunge into this river of mercy for the richer things, Your gaze.  

What I search for?

I cannot do this on my own so I ask to be enlightened.   I know You will never leave me and yet this must be assured in constant revelations of love pouring through me in discipline and pardon as sin blinds me. 

Ultimately....What I search for?

I need more of who You are and less of who I am.  Help me identify the differences…!