Have you ever asked, "Where is the Voice of God?" I have people ask me this question. "I want to hear God but He doesn't speak to me, or I sure don't hear Him." I cringe as I ponder the pain I've often had when I 'cannot hear' the Voice of God in my life. The downfall of my soul as it fails to breath because I am alone.
But I'm learning, oh how I have become a student of hearing the Voice of God as I crumble to gather my troubled life as an open book. I have learned to live the denying of Christ that Peter experienced as I see my own embarrassed look of being a Christ follower. I have learned to live the confusion of Thomas as he demands to 'see' before he will believe. I have learned to live the plead that Paul begged the Father to remove his thorn in his flesh so comfort would be my pillow at night.
Mistrusting, finding fault, forgetful of miracles within my own life that would shake me to believe another mighty move would ever again come my way. I tried all the talk right, look right, moves - and I only got that... I appeared to talk right and I appeared to look right... but something was so lacking in how I really believed all that I was doing.
Then my world crashed and I lost the jewel that held my heart on earth. My husband suffered a traumatic brain injury as well as breaking his back and many ribs. His Ph.D became the vocabulary of confused words in a desperate fight to make sense. As speech began to form his heart again, regaining so much that was lost, I struggled with this new life. Pretending I was okay just wasn't working for me any more and I wasn't seeing the healing I wanted.
I began a search to find real and amazingly found His Voice was speaking all the time... and I do mean ALL THE TIME. I was not honest with myself so how could I hear honest.
Now I begin where I am and in that place, I hear His Voice so sweetly, I see His Face as His expression becomes a vision before my eyes and I respond with a language that I attempt to reveal this beautiful picture.
In most cases, I am not coming with a beautiful song, I am coming with a heavy heart. I just know now that it's okay...!
I search my heart this morning. My Lord, to whom I know only from the abundance of Love poured upon me with every step involved that I've taken. My history, others history; detailed by memory, written upon documents of records here and there, visually seen as You authenticate to confirm Your Name at the beginning and end of each moment.
Holding my breath as Your own very life, as You number them to bring me to perfect dwelling of Your Voice. Oh to carry me to such yearning when this Sound takes my attention, be it in the middle of the night or through the day that is scattered with disinterestedness.
The disengagement of my heart twirls to ride the excursion as Your Voice converts my thoughts to Yours. A sway of peace takes me by surprise as the disturbance of the world begins to pass me by as if I were no longer a visible residence. Fighting a current with humankind takes a halt as I discontinue to sojourn in its lodge.
Peace waves its new from end to end, from first to last; all the way through my being as I listen with my lost heart. Peace shows me a dance by the guiding of the Voice Love has now plunged to the depths of my no restraints.
Drawing my heart to be chauffeured as the Voice of Love transports its ambitious dream to be my True Love. It hurls me into an ocean that drowns all my iniquity that tossed me away from hearing; it throws me into a chuckle of romance. Giggling as peace enjoys my decision to be one.
Found, I find again more Love as Your Thoughts feed my soul with conversation that Your Life has me written in the heat of Your Passion. My response drops with a close connection with disbelief, for such Passion is with such extreme, I find my life too filled with small gods that occupy; how can I fight to open this door? How can I tear down the awestruck fear of such Passion? How can I know this is the height of Your Way?
Your Thunder Sounds, and my heart races as I continue to push for there is no other Voice that lights my fire. A whisper of Your Voice has power beyond my greatest fight. I lean in, I incline to ascend to the Call that remains as my questions soar. Patience throws my heart back into the sway of His Dance.
Waiting, His Love waits as it melts my questions with vision; I see His Hand wrapping around me as His whole body embraces me with a hug that says, “My wait has the power of substance felt and purpose to hold.”
I sob, and sob, with tears and emotions that take me to know as I searched my heart this morning; again, my Lord confirms who He is, from the abundance of Love poured upon me, with every step involved that I take.
I want to stay here.