Gosh, how many times do I wonder this as I pray, medicate, rest, bark, etc etc...! Our body in a huge fight as we wonder if our voice is being heard; or reluctant to admit....could it be He is backing off somewhere forgetting His love promise to us.?
During these times I often wallow with my pain thinking... don't visit me with your happy face! Talk to me ... sure... but …. give 'me' relief or please don’t bother me when my body has lost its alert and satisfying health.
Then it comes crashing in....Can a God who is never sick understand? Can He?
I ask because He is God, and I am not. I ask because I trust His beautiful heart will somehow take my thoughts and rest in them with His own, and oh how I love these times. It’s like something within swells as all the good runs quickly to mend all the empty that was there; expanding and taking advantage that I allowed the nourishment of superior foods be consumed me rather than the everyday hot dog full of leftover meat no one wants. I open up my heart and He is so faithful to feed. I trust the cleansing my thoughts will develop as His school of Love desires such progress. I cannot prove God, but He is amazing in proving Him Self.
Trusting Him more and more has such an exciting finale...
but what about the now?
What about when I’m sick?
And then a thought comes with such tears I can hardly be its vessel. The feeling is overwhelming and I wonder if I will be able to type such a crushing voiced thought. I hear God’s sickness. I feel His eyes lowering to the heavy weight of reality for human. Am I hearing right? Could I be listening to the rain of pain in Pure form. Oh God, do I see true pain as I surrender more of me - to You, the absolute of Pure pain?
We have freedom from pain tagged as self-centered gratification much like we want a million dollars. If only I had a million dollars I could be or do so much and yet I have done so little with my dollar. If only I were not sick and tired, I could move and have my being in the Lord Jesus Christ, and yet I smile in my health and forget Him. Pure pain sees the birthed riches of His Glory in great surplus, but the testimony goes forth that there is none. God looks upon His love creation as they walk outside His Name; lost in the bounty of the earth, lost in the health and wealth of ‘no lack’. The lavishness of His plenty has no body bondage, it has no grave to avoid. The great quantity of His prosperity is not packaged in reference to the eyes of human understanding. Had human been able to restore its race, it would have raised itself from death that stole its soul. No, human fails to heal and know healing. The insufficiency of healing is at constant work in the body the healing God wants, which is the restored soul that longs to have heavenly life verses earths decaying substances.
Father’s love is of constant flow but I don’t hold a constant knowledge of this through an emotional sensation. Often I cry for this as if I am being punished. Just like I whine at my spouse for his attention to be devoted to my wants, I wonder why he has deserted me at such a strong time of need when everything is not dropped for this sad whining. It is funny how we diagnose our spiritual state in such close relationship to our ‘good’ feelings or ‘bad’ feelings. And yet I truly think Father uses our emotions to stir us for changes and closeness He desires. It has nothing to do with HIS promise to never leave us but it (emotions) is an excellent source to get us to get up and work at recovery from deceit or vain desires that steal our joy and contentment. We know His Love is eternal and in all situations abundant, but deeply guilty of floundering in pity and difficulties as we push for more of God during our down times. With this in mind… I still want to pray in honest heart. This is how I discover such beautiful love notes written for me. For ‘how’ I feel, is about ‘how’ God feels that I connect to. I've leaned to take great notice to my feelings. Question them... they speak so much louder than my words. I want my heart to change... this will be noted by my emotions and I will act upon it. If my emotions are out of whack .. oh yeah... I am truly out of whack Time to talk to GOD...!
Father, I continue to not feel good. Struggling to even give thought of You while my body aches to find health once again. Nothing can separate me from the Love of Chris,; but much can separate my emotions from the wonderful sensation of Your eye upon me. I want to apologize for such self thoughts and heart that wonders. I don’t understand the richness of Your love and neither do I understand when I feel depleted. Do you heal? Absolutely, I don’t think I struggle in that for all that was paid for by Your Son’s life blood. Taking communion at church the other day was such a miracle remembrance of Jesus’ walk on earth and the finale He ultimately gave so that I lack NO thing. Bloodshed that signifies a price paid for my sickness and pain, death, hell and the grave. Confident of the emotions You created, I find safety in whatever I am feeling, great walls are placed so that even the gates of hell cannot prevail against me and win.
Oh but there is a place that my soul has freedoms where Your Name vibrates with the Life that takes hold of every emotion and I am caught in its wind. It matters not where it blows, just that I am within its push. I hear Jesus’ Name and a sweetness forms a smile as I taste how it lifts me to its table. A love begins to voice by stirring my insides into focus for each sound to escape from the pureness it sings. No need for a lot of conversation, for emotions speak now with assurance there is no world sweeter, no other place has this. Whispering kisses touch my thoughts as I join the intimacy it builds between us. I am overcome with fear as it states IT IS. The fear that knows where you are, is holy! A kingdom that has fallen into the emotions of all my senses. Over and over a word or phrase builds and each time it’s like hearing it the first time, for strength of beauty it rides. My heart beats excitedly as I draw closer to where I am. This place where emotions are softened to hear but with strength to call what is not as is. One, two, three, four goes the silent emotions of being in the presence of rich pleasures pounding in and about me. Even my breath seems to engage in this fear that makes me know I am not who I was. Sensation of emotions are dominate as I was down, but now up; was longing, but now fulfilled; was in question, but now positive. No want owns my thoughts any longer for I have the ultimate swirling within and winning all things for me. Emotions now rejoice as they can only follow this Spirit that has signed me up for a kingdom first designed in heaven as it works its layers in my heart. I hear the tunes emotions only posses if listening to this Name above all the rest. When spoken, it lives forever to perform its destiny. When heard, it surrounds like a fortress to hold His loveliness a home. One cannot pass through without its lightening electrifying all nerve signals of the center of my world. Jesus, the Name spoken, and wildly it moves through the air to make fresh manna for all those calling upon it. Where it is so strong, you no longer wonder if the rocks could actually cry out to this Name. The Name has the universe in His hands. Without judgment, I fear. Without darkness, I see clearly for His Name shines within. Emotions, oh yes, emotions talking as I release them to run; run to touch heaven’s throne and bring back to me His Word to manifest His image to appear as peace. Having no beginning or end, Father gives, as His nature continues to grow in my thoughts and emotions so open to touch Him. Keen to the heat of love’s fire, I walk in His garden full of blossoms that light my emotions not relying upon flesh comforts.
Jesus, Your Name is a song. Jesus, Your Name flows deep and wide as the borders of my knowledge stretch to hold each letter as a symbol of kingship over me. Warmly Your Name speaks to bid I stay. Jesus I drink the cup of Your Name and watch its waves ripple through me, falling, falling, saturating, as I close my eyes to give magnitude to my emotions.
Love so pure, a partnership of intimate oneness begins as we take upon each other’s emotions beyond self seeking blindness, but crossing over to fixed eyes for only one another’s heart.
Then we fly. Fly to a place where love locks arms and weeping of joy becomes the face I wear. Heavenly eyes are audience that witness as a message sounds, “He has found His beloved.”
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