I think one of the most fascinating things I have found about my hunt for God is that one MUST experience it through an intimacy or journey belonging to no one but yourself. Yeah, intimacy; intimacy that is created for just yourself and God. I cannot emphasize this enough...! I have found unbelievable romance as I have fallen into this openness and readiness to be a part as I see it, not how someone else sees it, or by allowing my romance come from another's romance. What is working inside me, my doom, my difficulties, my broken heart. I can be inspired and moved by another, but not taken into romance for the delight to be had for me. I beg you not to confuse romance with learning His Word and applying it to watch the absolute glory of God rise in your life. I am talking about the romance that refuses to allow your smile to go away. The love that carries you as you stare back into eyes that gave it all to have you. Romance that lifts the soul.
So knowing I cannot create for anyone the romance with Father by my own, I wish to share bits and pieces of my romance, hoping to guide others to experience surrender to openness, honesty when it hurts, fear when you have it - not relying on me or another but to the creator to give answers and receive what is set to be your ultimate experience. If you have the age old question...'if there really is a God then why blah, blah, blah,... then reach, say it to Him. Cry, scream, whatever - but be real and let go of the lie that you already know the answer. Ask as if you DO NOT KNOW and watch and experience Him rescue you from that demon of fear.
About 3 or 4 years ago, I was enjoying Denver Colorado’s beautiful mountains with my husband, from a condo with an awesome view to enjoy. The afternoon before, we were getting ready to visit a museum in Denver when we got a call from home. Water was found in our basement and the girl staying at our house was not sure where it was coming from. I asked her to go outside and look around. She came back to say a huge tree in our backyard had fallen on our house. We decided we would end our vacation early and come back the following morning. We got up to prepare for home when just as I was taking another look at the breath-taking mountains, I walked back into the living room and His Voice spoke an amazing but confusing statement to me. Stunned, I did not know what to do with such a promise but to share it with my husband. God’s Love spoke, “I have given you a honeymoon not written by man, fix your eyes on me!” No emotions, no hint within this Voice of what He might have meant by this statement. I recall little emotions myself, actually, towards the ‘honeymoon’ gift; but was very puzzled over “fix your eyes upon me”. It felt as if it was a saving statement rather than a kind, or tender suggestion. I immediately began to question my affection… what did I have my eyes on? Where was my devotion? Why did God say to fix my eyes on Him? The questions did not stop that day but lingered and lingered as I questioned myself over and over. Was I ‘not’ focusing on Him? I remember sheepishly speaking to Michael about my concerns about this delightfully confusing Word I received.
My life with Michael was, in a sense, not real or what I knew of a normal marriage; but a fairytale relationship, in my opinion. Love between us was daily adventures, rarely noticing each other’s faults, but blindly looking over bumps with diverted treasures. The honeymoon statement was sort of left on the back burner for I did not know if this was between Michael and I, or myself with God’s love. I guess I felt safe; it was spoken so I did not need to wonder… it would or has happened… either way.. I win. But the ending instruction was troubling!
Life had been broken in on. With a ‘tree’ that had fallen upon our house, repair was now a must or all sorts of outside elements would come storming in; and it did…! The finale was great. I recall how insurance came in and it was so fun renewing old with new fresh carpet, sunroom on back built by Keith, my son; bathroom updated. But the spiritual stir (dust flying) in the house was not to be unnoticed. A new thought now seared upon my heart and I was branded with His purpose to be chased.
I look back and I sort of ‘left the earth’ after that day. What would YOU do? God tells me as verbal as I know how to hear, to fix my eyes on Him…! Passion started to spring out of no-where. I love the day (about a year or so later) I sat at a keyboard Michael had bought and started playing and singing. I do not know how to play the piano but from that day forward I have begun to make music that amazes me. (it may or may not amaze you :0) I looked at Michael and said, “What was that?” Michael said, “wow, I don’t know!” I remember asking a friend…. ‘What do I do with this?’ and I sat down and showed him what was going on. Surprised he said…”you enjoy it”. It was the best suggestion I have heard then and now.
Writing was now dripping from my brain 24/7. I felt so embarrassed that I would go on and on and on. I felt stubborn almost, for I did not want to stop. Imagine sitting at a feast and you have been allowed to eat with an empty stomach for hours. The joy of consuming this as your taste buds joyfully scream, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.!!!!’ Once, when I was so grateful for such a feast, I asked the Lord how I could tell Him thank you. He gently replied…”just say you heard me.” I was putty as my tears mix with this ole dry dirt, I become moldable, changeable, while His Hands held me so tight.
I realize that this whole blog is very personal as I look back. It’s a tiny piece of story of me and my God; but what I could share would take a book. Recently I realized… you know, I have written a book and it’s called “Lover of HIS Name.” It's about my honeymoon. He gave this to me - a honeymoon, not written by man. This does not mean I am chosen out and given what no other is given. Oh no, it means we are given a honeymoon, not written by man. We are unable to write of such love as human. It is not acceptable, it is not understandable. It falls sort of what we have titled ‘sanity’ and leans over into insanity.
I’ve had to make the choice that trusting God gives me better outcome than trusting myself or others. This gives me freedom to make huge mistakes, unbelievable wrong turns; but with the kingdom I walk in, He has given me delightful discipline because He loves me. I am safe. I never want to forget… KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON ME…! His salvation has the amazements of beauty for ashes, rags to riches. I watch Him in my spirit and see the wonders of heavenly Love wrap its goodness - sounding within my life, and I hold on…!
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