Lonely And Ashamed

Poppa, I am lonely and yet I feel ashamed for saying this.  

For the extreme You went to - so I would have eternal as companionship within a kingdom of no sorrow.  But the embrace that I have grown accustom to moves without my control.  It walks in and I melt, it walks out and I slowly become squeezed until I can’t breathe.  Nothing works, nothing takes me to this place except the wind of its directional focus.  The holiness of something so beyond me; the bread that is so not of this world, working and living to be the real in my life.  I crumble as my body weakens to plead for what I do not know how to find.  My eyes look for what I know not what to see.  Searching, with tears; listening with an inner ear that can only hope for the sounds that it can recognize as the song of wisdom.  Deep goes the hold that with my prayer, I will find the invisible and unheard sounds that will feed my soul.  I take with me my family, my spouse, my sisters and brothers, my mom, my dad; the children given me to somehow show Your Face.  I groan with need, I groan with passion, I groan with hope; for there is no safety in this world.  There is only ‘things’ bought to represent safety; but all is vapor.  Treasures that color themselves with greed to lure its victims to think they can create a safe room. 

Who is this Holy?  Who is this One that flickers and I find I want nothing else.  A solid rather than a temporary!  What is this that makes me want to sell everything and follow.  Rising to fall again, gaining to see loss, listening to know deafness; I continue to reach.  Why does its place often take me to the tears that leave me feeling cleaner than when I entered?  How does this wind blow? 

Wondering in complications, wishing for a brighter star to guide me; suddenly I arrive and I know not where or how to get here.  Without notice, as I sit so unsatisfied, I simply asked to be completed; it rushes in to be the full I so longed for.  Mercy saves me and I wobble with a stuffed heart as I experience full from such wind of comfort.  The crack of my smile reveals something new just happened and I stop to love the moment.  New begins to share and I listen to its love speak on my hearts question "I am lonely."

‘Alone’ shows me its purpose as it holds my heart close.  It opens my knowledge to make me feel special and places me holding something no one else can mimic or be.  ‘Alone’ now feels like the missing piece that completes a beautiful whole.  I was only ‘alone’ so I could realize I could never be replaced or a substitute could never fit my existence.  I am His desperation and He is mine.  I was made to worship and be the twinkle of His eye.  When it feels like life is getting squeezed out of me, when I allow outside manna fill my heart rather than heavenly manna, ‘ALONE’ is there to guide me back to see things His way instead of mine.  ‘ALONE’ is the gift to know I am wondering beyond the fresh stream that was built to keep me moist and soft in His passion.  I have been eating junk food for days and wondering why my stomach hurts, instead of rich delightful foods from a banqueting table He keeps fresh from the garden of heaven’s supply grown for only me.  

We live and breathe in His kingdom (the Name of Jesus) with sweet hungry for the variety the wind brings to those who sell all and follow.

May I always remember ‘Alone’ is a story of great love to find…!  And never be ashamed to say I am lonely again; for I am designed with this gift so that I will run back to 'be' and 'receive' His love that is only between Him and I.  

Christians Are The Biggest Killers, He Said

Eternal gathering to praise One that sits beside the Father.  How loud the questions on earth of One so God/man.  How precious is the conversations as we seek His Name.

Beautiful heart, one I met today.  “Jesus is not the way”, he says, “what a folly”.  

I felt unknown, I felt as if I were standing with a name but no substance.  Funny my reaction to a bold, well thought through conclusion. 

Conversation continued and I heard, “you’re different” he says.   

It was as if a faintly image of my soul began to be visible.  Smiles mixed with a few high pitches, eyes piercing as if it must go deep into my being declares, 

“Paul created Christianity and Christians are the biggest killers.”   

Oh my heart begins to pray, ‘Poppa, you love this one, I know.  Touch places I can’t go.’  Out comes history, pain filled history a life obviously struggled to make pieces form reasons.  I cry with my heart with him.  

I still my need to be right, my foolish want to overpower painful wrong with ‘my’ truth that will cut and leave him dead AGAIN by a Christian.  I openly declare the God I seek is so vast, so far from my conclusions.  

We meet together under excitement that people can speak one on One to God.  We find strength.  

Stories begin to flow back and forth, stories far beyond what we can ever totally understand that the bible gives.  

But voiced from pain he says, “Folly, created to throw human against human.” 

Again his confidence shows many years of spreading.  But strange how love works.  It loses attack mode when all the bullets have been removed.  He says the ‘Name’ Jesus and shares what a wise man He was, not God, but a wise man.  Cracks begin to happen and I believe he knows it, but since ‘safe zone’ is our stand, comments further to give even another wonder for me to ponder.  He admits that he practices what Jesus teaches.  Yum, that throws me into a search.  

I listen and then it comes to the resurrection and though he is convinced it too is folly, his approach is amazingly weakened.  Finally before we return to our own individual focus, 

he says, “a mystery, it remains the biggest mystery, the resurrection.” 

~

Poppa, I seek You, I am subject to so many threats and accusations and I fall so short of knowing.  Why have we tangled our laws to strangle the souls of another?  Oh Teacher, teach me.  See my books, see my paper, see my heart open to learn.  See me sit under the Word that is and was with God and became flesh.  Forgive me when I rise up and strike my thoughts to others like a knife I intend it to be.   I lay at Your feet and I listen to the song as You sing.  

Peace - Lost Connection With My Sinful Heart

Sweet sounds not heard around me

Released from my heart to Yours, Lord. 

My smile speaks a whisper

that I continue to give,

as it reveals what my thoughts create

from seemingly the same thought

yet it generates as if it is new,

moment by moment. 

Silence is not silent at all

but shooting forth from my being

like an explosion heard from city to city. 

I have touched love and it gives light. 

I have touched love and it soars to His throne

this message I send. 

I fall toward the suggestion to come. 

Close my eyes in surrender to its pleasure. 

I have lost connection

with my sinful heart

and walked into glory,

which defines

His realm of Peace.  

My breath becomes irregular as I try to consume too much cloud that has engulfed me.  

I pause to soak love in return for my entrance.  My heart begins to sing.  

Sing oh heart, sing the Name that it beats for…!  I hear its sound; hear it now…. Ahhhha ahhhhhh  J-E-S-U-S, the Name sounding, coming in waves of tinkling notes then pounding to beats of loud attendance.  Jesus, again the Name sounds and a magnitude of pictures pose before me to bring His face so beautiful.  Ahhhhh, ahhhhhhh Jesus, softening now, ahhhh Jesus, His Name sounds, and I melt as if it is a substance pouring over me.  

I cry for I am so lost and He assures me ‘never’.  “But”, I want to say; and He takes me and somehow I know He has this amazing understanding that is all of what heaven is about.  

My face exposes my cry - I can’t live how I want to live, just and holy before Him.  I sob from inside out, for His pureness brings out such difficulties within me. 

He steps in front of me and it’s as if I see His eyes looking across to me, eyes to Eyes reaching to each other.  We stare.  I do not know what He will say.  

I wait.  

I wait.  

I wait.  

Then, weakening by His love speaking, I am encouraged to sit, rest. I become aware of the tightness that had griped me like a rope around me heart.  I inhale as I begin to feel a change.  I breathe in again His gaze, for He remains before me.  

I look again with a heart that loves but stretches too hard to find.  Could it be, could it really be? A resting that brings its wonders greater than any sleep could ever perform.  Could this moment be a Sabbath my soul longs for.  

It’s like I am in a garment created for me, totally outfitted for comfort.  I lose the sense of where I am for my neck has to twist and turn to examine freedom it is having a hard time understanding.  

My soul has the softness of rain refreshing the air I breathe to the dry ground my heart walks with.  My shoulders are loosed and I raise them to verify what I feel is real.  

My arms are lifted to the sky as His Name again begins to form from my thoughts to a song I want to sing.  A song that dances with every word spoken. 

Jesus, You mark my heart with joy.

Your glory colors my eyes with songs.

I dance as Your Name showers me with heaven.

Jesus, keep me everywhere You are

That I lose connection with my sinful heart.

I love You, I love You, I love You.

Jesus, You win my love in abundance.

Your the song that makes me dance.

I bring my heart to play in the kingdom of Your Name 

Jesus, keep me everywhere You are

That I lose connection with my sinful heart.

I love You, I love You, I love you.

Tears That Speak The Unknown

Take all the jumbling thoughts I have in my mind Poppa, forgive those that question You; that search for prof as if the worldly mind can understand Spirit.  Forgive me for missing so often Your song that sings to me the abundance of compassion and I cry thinking it is chains to tie me to my sorrow. Confused I sort through my thoughts as if I could pick and choose night and day.  Your glory falls and I tumble until Spirit comes to rest upon my heart that I fear not.

Spirit flow freely as I turn my heart to eyes watching for what is happening around me.  As Your love continues to rush in, melting hardness and bitterness, I rise above ground that thinks it can hold me down.  My soul that struggles, loses the jabs that tailored themselves specifically to my weaknesses.  Circling, Your Face strikes its stare as I rise and fall in trials and tribulations; taking me to a kingdom made as Jesus lives and breathes in me.
 

What are tears, Poppa, during these times?  Why does this flow so often take me to this reaction?  Is it that I feel the hurt of my broken heart or might it be I am experiencing Your broken heart?  Is it power that signals emotions above a walk about with earthly pleasures as my consumption?   Will I ever be able to stand as Spirit renews my mind, as my heart watches Your work?  Have I yet to see the rise of my walk?

As I am drawn into Your love, tears smile upon my face as all my body rises to be soaked in abundance.   I know only to continue to watch.  For I am at rest that Spirit has a pull richer than any question or search this worldly mind can understand.  Broken to come, broken to be unfolded and march through a kingdom that sets before me a pathway.  Broken to see Your glory that blinds me to be guided only by Teacher.

So Spirit swirl with Your wind as quickly and extravagant us You only know I can gain.  Ignite Your fire under my love-sick soul to burn as a red fiery sight, as love flows with sparks that crack and snap while I walk.  Take my breath and may it fan this flame as my thoughts wither under the repentance of my souls return to see Your Face.  Tears that speak unknowns, be the strength that heals all hidden sins into light as if purifying the finest of gold. 

Spirit join me in the instruments of praise from universe to universe, heaven to earth, east to west… the forever song joined by saints and angels.  Spirit join my conversation spoken and heart unspoken of His love to the winds that chime beauty as unspeakable and so full of glory.  Weave who I am to the canvas of His song of truth.  Cause my voice, my heart to be what contains the echoes of Holy that lives within me. 

Move mountains, move valleys, stretch oh soul, for the King takes me to dance in His kingdom brought through Jesus, my deliverer… to the Song of all songs.

Logic Gone

Hi Poppa, 

I’m so tired and yet I am so fulfilled 

from abundance of  Your love 

that has washed over me recently.  

So fresh 

is the pictures of Your face 

before me as life swiftly embraces me 

with opportunities to find You calling.  

I’m running, 

running to this fire 

that can open me up in a split second 

and then mend what spills 

by the wonders of Spirit’s voice 

just as fast.  

Love fascinates, intrigues me 

with such extreme; 

I push with all I've got 

to get there.  

Pushing with all I've got

because I've yet to learn 

the art of achievements 

to rest in this race worth my life.  

When love faces me so close 

I feel its breath,

I lose all logic 

on how it came, 

just that it is here 

and I am wading it its substance.  

Moving about has this simple song 

vibrating within 

that steals all my wants 

and packages them 

into an enormous explosion of joy.

And I wonder....

How did I get here?

Logic gone!

But I'm changed and refreshed.

Summoned By Royalty

A King has called 

and I swing open my desires, 

running to the embrace of One who calls.  

Summoned by Royalty 

to the city of a great King, 

I rise up and come.  

His voice has lifted 

to blow a trumpet 

for this call to be heard 

loud within my heart.  

Hear, oh soul, 

hear and giggle; 

for His choice calls your name.   

Watching are His subjects, 

angels who have curiosity of my life, 

my moves, 

my response.  

Cheering is heard in heaven 

as I lift my eyes to answer His love.  

Building joys upon joys, 

I experience amazement 

of awakened life.

 

Where was all this joy moments ago?  

Where were the visions this heart now sees?  

Was this sound whispering 

to my deadened heart, 

yet its power 

able to explode the thickest of walls?  

Oh heaven come to earth.   

Set Your testimony 

with power within me.   

I yearn, 

I plead; 

I beckon to consume 

all that wisdom will allow.  

As my being 

kisses this marriage, 

this union of salvation; 

my sons will be touched 

by the force love insists upon.  

Dry bones within us 

will live 

for life cannot be taken from Spirit. 

Rescue me 

to recognize You Poppa, 

by the Name Jesus (kingdom) 

left for me 

to touch and feel 

as Spirit blows.  

Oh heaven, come!