Lonely And Ashamed

Poppa, I am lonely and yet I feel ashamed for saying this.  

For the extreme You went to - so I would have eternal as companionship within a kingdom of no sorrow.  But the embrace that I have grown accustom to moves without my control.  It walks in and I melt, it walks out and I slowly become squeezed until I can’t breathe.  Nothing works, nothing takes me to this place except the wind of its directional focus.  The holiness of something so beyond me; the bread that is so not of this world, working and living to be the real in my life.  I crumble as my body weakens to plead for what I do not know how to find.  My eyes look for what I know not what to see.  Searching, with tears; listening with an inner ear that can only hope for the sounds that it can recognize as the song of wisdom.  Deep goes the hold that with my prayer, I will find the invisible and unheard sounds that will feed my soul.  I take with me my family, my spouse, my sisters and brothers, my mom, my dad; the children given me to somehow show Your Face.  I groan with need, I groan with passion, I groan with hope; for there is no safety in this world.  There is only ‘things’ bought to represent safety; but all is vapor.  Treasures that color themselves with greed to lure its victims to think they can create a safe room. 

Who is this Holy?  Who is this One that flickers and I find I want nothing else.  A solid rather than a temporary!  What is this that makes me want to sell everything and follow.  Rising to fall again, gaining to see loss, listening to know deafness; I continue to reach.  Why does its place often take me to the tears that leave me feeling cleaner than when I entered?  How does this wind blow? 

Wondering in complications, wishing for a brighter star to guide me; suddenly I arrive and I know not where or how to get here.  Without notice, as I sit so unsatisfied, I simply asked to be completed; it rushes in to be the full I so longed for.  Mercy saves me and I wobble with a stuffed heart as I experience full from such wind of comfort.  The crack of my smile reveals something new just happened and I stop to love the moment.  New begins to share and I listen to its love speak on my hearts question "I am lonely."

‘Alone’ shows me its purpose as it holds my heart close.  It opens my knowledge to make me feel special and places me holding something no one else can mimic or be.  ‘Alone’ now feels like the missing piece that completes a beautiful whole.  I was only ‘alone’ so I could realize I could never be replaced or a substitute could never fit my existence.  I am His desperation and He is mine.  I was made to worship and be the twinkle of His eye.  When it feels like life is getting squeezed out of me, when I allow outside manna fill my heart rather than heavenly manna, ‘ALONE’ is there to guide me back to see things His way instead of mine.  ‘ALONE’ is the gift to know I am wondering beyond the fresh stream that was built to keep me moist and soft in His passion.  I have been eating junk food for days and wondering why my stomach hurts, instead of rich delightful foods from a banqueting table He keeps fresh from the garden of heaven’s supply grown for only me.  

We live and breathe in His kingdom (the Name of Jesus) with sweet hungry for the variety the wind brings to those who sell all and follow.

May I always remember ‘Alone’ is a story of great love to find…!  And never be ashamed to say I am lonely again; for I am designed with this gift so that I will run back to 'be' and 'receive' His love that is only between Him and I.