Dreaming I See God

Poppa, dreams are so fascinating; a place where freedom seems to have complete reign.  Even if it is a fall, there is the amazing freedom that allows it and safety is still mine.  

I love when this happens during the day, as well, and I allow myself to go into this place where I can play like a child with Spirit who gives all my notions a time with this untamed, uninterrupted by another’s law of yeah or nay’s.  

I find myself before Your throne made of brilliance, as the light of piercing warmth rushes through me with such lightning speed, I become transparent.  I have no need for the walls of a body, for I am without shame or contain anything to hide.   

My voice has a sound I would imagine an angel might have as what overwhelms me carries me to mirror back to You such an array of colors that are created when my voice blends with this heavenly realm.  

My move becomes a sound of itself as I dance to tell of story after story of Your work that has gifted my life as I have known it.  Between each of my steps is millions of moving praise, as all thoughts turn with electrifying charges to choreograph far ahead of my minds comprehension, far into eternity the non-stop worship of this single dance spoken of love that spends all it’s got for me.  

To my side is the mass of pardon, coming at me with its delicious smells and flavors.  

Sharing glimpses of my Lord so righteous, each look takes me deep into new glories built for the adventure of love’s pleasures.  

Above me I feel with senses I have never known to dream of or wish for; eyes that cannon get enough of me and I vow to return the promise I will not take my eyes from His Face.  

Pureness melts our hearts together where you cannot distinguish one heart from the others; a oneness blows about in a floating peace that has removed a knowledge of anywhere ever but here.  

Weeping escapes us as kindness sings its excitement I am here.  

Your throne owns my breath and spends it with wise placing in a journey to fascinate even the feelings in my toes.  

I press the air and a purple royalty of sparkles explode to lead my eyes to have words of honor to express this playground, Your heavens, Your kingdom, my life in Yours. 

The day that once ended has no more orders, for there is no stop.  

Whispers are not needed, for love has only flamboyancy that over decorates, over saturates; thunderous with passage into the core of its target. 

I see with eyes that do not have a direction to focus only, but with eyes that have knowledge to be aware of who is before me.  

I see God.

Rest Cuddles Me

Father, I sense You within 

and I take slow awe-inspiring steps

 to give in to its leading

 so that I look 

into Your eyes of love so breathtaking.  

Oh how I love You!  

I stop my world,

 for music has me; 

Your love is music to the soul.  

May my heart sing back to You tonight 

with a sound that tells You 

there is no other place I would rather be.  

Oh hear my heart 

and swallow the delicious flavors 

of my wishes

 that exposes my glad heart.  

I have ran and played today 

and You have enjoyed my laughter.  

I have joined with others 

whom You hold as treasures,

 and giggled as I promise

 I will be on my best behavior 

if I get to stay.  

Happily You say ‘yes’ to my want.  

What is of more value than love?

 How could anything be enjoyed 

outside this untouchable power 

that is so secure with itself

 that it waits with knowing the outcome. 

What could separate 

Your arms from embracing

 those You love?  

Nothing, my days reveal..!

Rest cuddles me

 as watchful eyes

 assign the air

 to carry the sounds of my response

 to this days gifts,

 back to Your ears

 for mutual appreciation. 

And love closes my thoughts, 

my eyes, 

my day,

 with full heart;

 for I walked love to the door of His bride.

You Belong Here

Jesus, 

Your name has me looking to something so fascinating.  

Like a mist I walk into, 

I release the process of the kingdom that came, 

and I begin to feel the moisture that refreshes my soul.  

Lifting my face, 

I ask for this shower to soak me.  

Weakened by darkness that presses, 

I run to this open heaven 

and wonder about, 

for Your Name gives new signs and wonders 

to the thirst of my craving heart.  

I move my hand through my hair 

as my eyes close 

and I ponder what will arise from our walk?  

I know only that I have leaned forward 

to lay close to the fire of this call 

which takes me in like sinking quick sand; 

slowly determined to not let go 

until I am swallowed by its power.   

I find this substance becoming a voice 

that produces a knowing, 

a knowing that love is now breathing for me, 

love is now moving my spirit 

to take hold of what is coming.  

Can the air speak?  

Can the light transform before me a form?  

Can the way I bat my eye 

be a million ways to worship 

the Name Jesus?  

Can I dance such a glorious move 

by simply running my belief 

around this Name 

that breaks my lips into a smile?   

Has my tongue found a new way to sing?  

Oh what lies before me, 

the float of a thousand words 

I cannot speak but hear; 

a thousand tones I cannot sing 

but I play with them 

up and down the scale of eternity… 

for I have wondered into His arms 

and goodness has given me reasons to stay here.  

My name, who I am, 

dances with 

His Name, who He is; 

and we go beyond words 

the mind tries to attach to love.  

Higher and deeper, 

wide as the thought of never touching; 

His realness fills me 

and I am stunned with His Words, 

‘you belong here!’  

Oh Lord, I ask 

‘what are You wanting me to know? 

I often feel it is a visit only.’  

His power begins to soak me 

so that I will receive 

as it carries a message 

I am too weak to hear without, 

He speaks again…

’

'you belong here, I never leave!’

My mind swirls, my heart leaps, 

He finally gets to tell me

what He has been wanting me to hear

for such a long time...!

And I heard Him.

What Holds Record In Heaven's House

Waiting, 

waiting upon the Voice 

that works my day into His glory; 

learning to lay down distractions 

so today’s book 

created to hold my thoughts and actions, 

have meaning for my eternity.  

A book, 

a story for just today, 

records my tremble 

as He enters to speak 

and move out darkness, 

for His color to be added.  

How can my being stand still; 

how can I stop the sway 

that illuminates His force as He works.  

All the work I have done to be good, 

all the work I made for His entrance 

is found vanishing 

as His Love breaths real 

for the exchange of surrender.  

Setting my eyes to watch You transform 

old for new 

as chains turn from iron locks 

to dissolving grains of nothing.   

What I thought I could gain for my own works 

only show self in employment 

to You, 

not the handiwork of Your production.  

Duty loses, 

Your work I gain.

I wait as Your work shows itself 

in the making of a masterpiece 

to the heart of Your pleasures.  

I surrender my opinion of me 

for Your opinion that speaks of how far, 

how wide, 

how immeasurable 

Your love goes to paint a bride 

for the Son who paid such a high price 

to satisfy His desire for me.  

What lives for the record in heaven’s house 

is how I gave in, 

how I counted all my work as loss, 

how I sounded the Name 

that echoes the mighty work 

it brought, 

not my own.  

How You came to all my cries, 

how You lifted my life 

as Your heart was given to me 

for my weak heart.  

How You came to quench 

the burning desire I had 

with Your plan 

as I laid down my own. 

I can say with excitement

…here I am!  

I chose to lose my life for You 

that I be saved.  

Love that has risen in my emotions, 

indicate You sing as You work. 

Spreading cheer to the steps I dance, 

I continue to giggle at myself 

as well as with Your funny ways.  

For I know not how to reign 

but I learn to follow the Lamb 

that also waited upon Your Voice, 

as You, Poppa, 

reign in me.  

Jesus, I hold onto the prayers 

You have made for me 

as I listen.  

Father is for me. 

What If God Stopped Your World

Father, if You (the very Being of who You are – the life giver) were to suddenly say “stop” and I was in the middle of the most exhausting difficulty I could imagine, You would have the same heart toward me as if I were floating in the most extreme fellowship between us possible.  For You move within me, as You move about the whole existence, and the sounds of mysterious keeping of my soul is wrapped in an unyielding release no matter my run or halt. 

I shake as this tremendous power describes its portrait of holding while arising within me the awareness of such a colossal authority.  Dominating without apology of ownership of the air I move in.  As this thick essence lowers and I sit in quiet to hear, my body immobilizes as if truth caught me by surprise and my eyes turn suddenly to hear a new endorsement of who You are.

I was strolling in a dream where I was industrious within my own home; stunned I find I did not own these walls. I look at what was and has always been before my eyes but with a new question of its intent.  Like water within a glass might think it builds its own kingdom, but in reality it can only take the form it is placed in. 

I marvel; I know not what to do but marvel. 

Wanted and created but owned by One who owns the air.  His electrifying supremacy commanded the water to part that land be formed; set my heart to know small and grow as His love is allowed to dominate the energy it has.  My fingers that touch non eternal items in this place - dissolve to fact it is no value.  Enlightened, as I begin to search one by one the things around me; new assessment of worth forms as its face changes.  So many arguments fall to nothing without ever another word spoken. 

I cannot stop trembling. 

I never recall wondering if Maxine Burger Ford was my mom, or if Robert Ford was my dad; but oh how often I wondered if I were really a child of God.  Could it be as simple as giving my heart (life) to Him and I was born into His kingdom?  Could I be assured of the life to come within a heaven I have never seen?  Simply believe…?  How can one believe something so mammoth is held within one’s own single thought?  

But here You are.  As I sit still, You inform me of ownership with authority I cannot question.  Then with tenderness and kindness of the greatest proprietor, You love offering me partnership that I could not experience If I took prideful actions it was all done by my own making.  Suddenly, I was STOPPED and Your Spirit that roams the earth, found me wondering before I spoke.

Now with fresh thoughts, I step upon ground that I do not own

Just Let Me Hear My Name In Such Love

Father, sometimes having You within has this astonishing giggle that escapes from me like a rushing mighty burst.  It’s like something happens and you smile, then you giggle, then you are lost in laughter.  After a bit, you are laughing because you are laughing so hard.  Then it feels like everything and everyone around you is laughing and so it covers your universe.   The smallest of movement brings it on like it is the beginning of hilarious comical life events, all over again. 

Sheltered in this moment of nothing-is-serious mind-blowing, staggering, flabbergasting flashes, I am confirmed as Your child.  A child without cares, playing in the innocence before my watchful Father, I roll and tumble with hardly remembering what started this; for I am simple in comparison to the complex undiluted Spirit that dwells within me. 

I taste a trace of Your own uproarious nature

as I become amusing to even myself. 

One of the most treasured gifts I recall while experiencing the loving growth of my own children, was holding them extremely close and that magical moment in time I screamed to all that can hear, “LOOK, he smiled back at me….!”  How curious I wondered what is it that makes him smile?  Did he see me, his momma, and smile as he saw my love so focused toward him?  Did my eyes give me away, how I marveled at his tiny form?  Did he hear my heart beating with such fondness that such pleasure caused his smile to burst out prior to what he could even understand?  Did he hear me call his name, “Shawn”, “David”, “Keith”; and all else of importance fell to be nothing…just let me hear my name in such love.  A smile came in this tiny little body as love was found to be his. 

Love found him and a smile is born.

Poppa, You found me, a smile is created. I hear You say my name and see Your eyes looking at me.  I giggle for You love me…!  I am a tiny child in the heart of Your abundant love. 

I'm going to just keep giggling...!

Honeymoon Not Written By Man

I think one of the most fascinating things I have found about my hunt for God is that one MUST experience it through an intimacy or journey belonging to no one but yourself.  Yeah, intimacy; intimacy that is created for just yourself and God.  I cannot emphasize this enough...! I have found unbelievable romance as I have fallen into this openness and readiness to be a part as I see it, not how someone else sees it, or by allowing my romance come from another's romance.  What is working inside me, my doom, my difficulties, my broken heart.  I can be inspired and moved by another, but not taken into romance for the delight to be had for me.  I beg you not to confuse romance with learning His Word and applying it to watch the absolute glory of God rise in your life.  I am talking about the romance that refuses to allow your smile to go away.  The love that carries you as you stare back into eyes that gave it all to have you. Romance that lifts the soul.

 

So knowing I cannot create for anyone the romance with Father by my own, I wish to share bits and pieces of my romance, hoping to guide others to experience surrender to openness, honesty when it hurts, fear when you have it - not relying on me or another but to the creator to give answers and receive what is set to be your ultimate experience.  If you have the age old question...'if there really is a God then why blah, blah, blah,... then reach, say it to Him.  Cry, scream, whatever - but be real and let go of the lie that you already know the answer.  Ask as if you DO NOT KNOW and watch and experience Him rescue you from that demon of fear. 

 

About 3 or 4 years ago, I was enjoying Denver Colorado’s beautiful mountains with my husband, from a condo with an awesome view to enjoy.  The afternoon before, we were getting ready to visit a museum in Denver when we got a call from home.  Water was found in our basement and the girl staying at our house was not sure where it was coming from.  I asked her to go outside and look around.  She came back to say a huge tree in our backyard had fallen on our house.  We decided we would end our vacation early and come back the following morning.  We got up to prepare for home when just as I was taking another look at the breath-taking mountains, I walked back into the living room and His Voice spoke an amazing but confusing statement to me.  Stunned, I did not know what to do with such a promise but to share it with my husband.  God’s Love spoke, “I have given you a honeymoon not written by man, fix your eyes on me!”  No emotions, no hint within this Voice of what He might have meant by this statement.  I recall little emotions myself, actually, towards the ‘honeymoon’ gift; but was very puzzled over “fix your eyes upon me”.  It felt as if it was a saving statement rather than a kind, or tender suggestion.  I immediately began to question my affection… what did I have my eyes on?  Where was my devotion?  Why did God say to fix my eyes on Him?  The questions did not stop that day but lingered and lingered as I questioned myself over and over.  Was I ‘not’ focusing on Him?  I remember sheepishly speaking to Michael about my concerns about this delightfully confusing Word I received.

 

My life with Michael was, in a sense, not real or what I knew of a normal marriage; but a fairytale relationship, in my opinion. Love between us was daily adventures, rarely noticing each other’s faults, but blindly looking over bumps with diverted treasures. The honeymoon statement was sort of left on the back burner for I did not know if this was between Michael and I, or myself with God’s love.  I guess I felt safe; it was spoken so I did not need to wonder… it would or has happened… either way.. I win.  But the ending instruction was troubling! 

 

Life had been broken in on.  With a ‘tree’ that had fallen upon our house, repair was now a must or all sorts of outside elements would come storming in; and it did…!  The finale was great.  I recall how insurance came in and it was so fun renewing old with new fresh carpet, sunroom on back built by Keith, my son; bathroom updated.  But the spiritual stir (dust flying) in the house was not to be unnoticed.  A new thought now seared upon my heart and I was branded with His purpose to be chased. 

 

I look back and I sort of ‘left the earth’ after that day.  What would YOU do?  God tells me as verbal as I know how to hear, to fix my eyes on Him…!  Passion started to spring out of no-where.  I love the day (about a year or so later) I sat at a keyboard Michael had bought and started playing and singing.  I do not know how to play the piano but from that day forward I have begun to make music that amazes me. (it may or may not amaze you :0) I looked at Michael and said, “What was that?”  Michael said, “wow, I don’t know!”  I remember asking a friend…. ‘What do I do with this?’ and I sat down and showed him what was going on.  Surprised he said…”you enjoy it”.  It was the best suggestion I have heard then and now.

 

Writing was now dripping from my brain 24/7.  I felt so embarrassed that I would go on and on and on.  I felt stubborn almost, for I did not want to stop.  Imagine sitting at a feast and you have been allowed to eat with an empty stomach for hours.  The joy of consuming this as your taste buds joyfully scream, ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.!!!!’  Once, when I was so grateful for such a feast, I asked the Lord how I could tell Him thank you.  He gently replied…”just say you heard me.”  I was putty as my tears mix with this ole dry dirt, I become moldable, changeable, while His Hands held me so tight.

 

I realize that this whole blog is very personal as I look back.  It’s a tiny piece of story of me and my God; but what I could share would take a book.  Recently I realized… you know, I have written a book and it’s called “Lover of HIS Name.” It's about my honeymoon.  He gave this to me - a honeymoon, not written by man.  This does not mean I am chosen out and given what no other is given.  Oh no, it means we are given a honeymoon, not written by man.  We are unable to write of such love as human.  It is not acceptable, it is not understandable.  It falls sort of what we have titled ‘sanity’ and leans over into insanity. 

 

I’ve had to make the choice that trusting God gives me better outcome than trusting myself or others.  This gives me freedom to make huge mistakes, unbelievable wrong turns; but with the kingdom I walk in, He has given me delightful discipline because He loves me.  I am safe.  I never want to forget… KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON ME…!  His salvation has the amazements of beauty for ashes, rags to riches.  I watch Him in my spirit and see the wonders of heavenly Love wrap its goodness - sounding within my life, and I hold on…!