Words Can Hurt

November 2011

Wonder if Paul ever thought…”God, do I really have to be in Prison?  Can’t I do Your work on the streets or from my home with travel?”  Distraught at times, I bet Paul spoke something of this sort in those intimate times of prayer while imprisoned.  Yet to his astonishment as the days rolled by…what Glory God was rendering as many curiously listened to each word from his heart. 

Prison is sure much broader than bars in a dungeon castle or even warm cells with three meals a day.  I see prison as a locked place where words or thoughts, not conditions, have trapped a person when no escape seems possible. Not a place created but a place another creates against you.  Prison bars made of heart breaking statements.

As a child I remember saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”  Such childish thinking attempting a barrier to ward off intrusions.  As an adult, ouch, words have power!  Words are much sharper than sticks and stones.  They cut into places you can’t see and up comes the bars built as they do their dirty work.  Fluff is accusations against your charactersuch as “you are an idiot” but words of position one stands against you is of far more piercing.  “I don’t want you ...., I will .....”  “I am ....”  “I would rather ...”  Words repeated over and over…so many times you find yourself rearranging your own statement to merit somehow they will change to something of the opposite.  Fighting to hear confirming words that do not continue to say I want to divide myself from you.  Words building bars of imprisonment to divide hearts.

Easy to handle if not attached.  Calmly walk the opposite if the heart was not sealed.  But what if love is involved and passion extreme!  What if… what if there didn’t seem to be any answer but submission to yield all to love’s measure. 

Jesus was taken all the way to death by a multitude that was finished with Him because of God’s Complete Love Story of Freedom.  Paul followed Jesus’ Example. Paul’s body was literally in prison, rejected because he would not perform laws of man; but with a flamed untamable heart full of Love Shown by Jesus, Paul set his speech as high witness of Freedom in spite of those “finished with him”. 

Paul leaned upon Jesus who Knew what it was like to be ‘finished with’ and continued to trust.

Matthew 27:35 (MSG)
After they had finished nailing him to the cross and were waiting for him to die…..

Father, my heart reaches to Your Sounds.  I reach to hear Sounds that will Heal brokenness of a song of irregular beats, a heart that can’t understand.  Thrown into courts screaming its claim night and day, in place with society, but its owner saying it is just a passing, not of value.  You stay there, I’ll stay here.  Is it really just a shadow and if so, a shadow of what? Your Perfect Beauty Sounds a Single Note that will Carry all worries into nonexistence.  Play my thoughts around Your Hearing as a train of love from my heart, for I am yearning that my noises form my song to Delight Your Ears.  Staying Here where fear is driven from its process to consume.  Hear my silent but earnest search that swiftly seeks all places for Your Sounds of Comfort.  Waiting in this moment with no other need but to find Life that is more than the struggles of rejection.  Steady my gaze, fix my eyes oh Mighty Wind.  Blow Around my heart with Your Stir as it Develops a dance from my soul.  Forgetting the enemy’s rejection placed against me by one that declares he is finished.  Mold me into Love, Your Love that Sings above these.  Often I have rejected You and You continued to be Fixed upon winning my soul.  Staying, always Staying when I struggled with Your Words.  I will stay, my Lord, I will stay and hold strong by not counting man’s rejection as reason to be of no worth.  I will lay down my life and love those that reject me with that which is Bigger than my pain.  Inside is the Song that has Resurrection Power, Your Love.  Simple Love that Follows Your Path as the Perfect Love.  Wisdom and Strength the Guiding star for depth and width of this Violent Trail Unknown.  Demonstrate Your Love as I declare war against rejection.

Jesus was taken all the way to death by a multitude that was “finished with Him” because of God’s Complete Love Story for Freedom.  Paul followed this Love Story of Freedom and was literally in prison, rejected because he would not perform laws of man.  But with a flamed untamable heart full of Love Shown by Jesus, Paul set his speech as high witness of Freedom in spite of those “finished with him”.

Ahhh, There is Your Sound.  I see the Dance as Jesus Prays.  

Frightened To Be Who God Created

I weep.  Oh God… I weep.  OH GOD…. you are so long suffering.   I am of ahhhh of what God is doing as His Love begins its Spread throughout the body. This morning I have been numb… I don’t know how else to describe it.  Numb somewhat from so many changes in my life.  How do I let what happen – facing myself… happen to those around me that I love so much.  It is like I was going west and God turned me east.  How do I expose this to my family, how do I share this with the hearts that are before my eyes.  I was so blind.  I was so unlearned.  


We must worship… just worship One and Sing of the hearts dance to a King.  I know this is the Foundation that will take us to this Place I can’t explain, for we are a bride being swept up to a marriage and we have been blinded to what this Party is all about.  For HE has took His Love and has PURPOSED to win me at all cost.   Not me making all the right decisions and coming to a place where I can feel some sort of accomplishments BUT HE HAS PURPOSED I will NOT BE LOST.  I am a part of His Eyes…. ‘I’ am a part of His soul…. ‘I’ am a part of His Heart and He Vows to win me by His Compassion Extreme, end of story.  His Thoughts have been Targeted to me, Charlotte, His Reward for a death of Purpose.  My plan and purpose is so selfish and self satisfying to a dead work.  


We are busy… oh so busy about other distractions… running to this and that to accomplish the heart of God and all we are doing is satisfying something within our selves that says we must or we will not be at the wedding.  Not realizing that He has ALL THE PREPARATIONS made and we are to COME…. Just COME, ONLY COME as INVITED.  I was not there physically when my Savior died on that cross.  I was not there physically when God Created a Plan that had me in mind…. BUT it is HIS PLAN… HIS PURPOSE to win me with the Love that Gave EVERYTHING HE HAD for me.  We MUST see it personally… we must join the Union of the Trinity that has Divine Power to Work in me its Love that has Given me His Language, His Visions, His Heart, His Core of Existence that I walk not according to my own understanding but by His Plan that Love Strikes against all my enemies and Locks me into His Embrace of Safe Keeping.  
We are like Paul, in desperate motions to work for God… killing each other with knives of self knowledge.  So frightened to be who God Created us to be for we may sound different, we may go to places not accepted by our peers, we may have an appearance that strikes those around us as odd or unacceptable, our language may change to not acceptable so that we reach a soul…. Why we may even have to spit in someone’s eye…   We have so many reasons to not be open and honest… keeping our sins in the dark, for we tell ourselves we are greater than our sins… we are able to overcome by the word of our mouth not realizing that because we can’t get real the heart of our heart is bleeding, dying, unfinished with the pokes and jabs of pain and despair.  


I died… oh I see now how I committed suicide with my heart and death was its only relief as I allowed my own life to slowly go under as I swallowed the messages… YOU MUST...YOU MUST… YOU MUST.. or the demons of hell will have your soul.  Oh God, I repent for saving myself and losing the soul of my heart.  Oh God, Your Love was always enough and Your Long Suffering was the ONLY THING that has Given me New Life.  I had nothing to do with my Resurrection now or EVER..!!!  


I am separated as an individual so God can Prove to me that I am ALONE in His Heart, I have been Selected and Chosen as a single cell in His bride making.  I am of such Extreme Importance that He sends multiple of thousands of angels around me for the safe keeping of His Hearts Desire.  I too can call a thousand angels to the bid of my need, oh I too can call… but to see the Finale of His Love is of most abundantly a curiosity to me and I want to say… not my will but YOURS be DONE!!!!!  Oh God, I am Yours and I want to FALL IN YOUR ARMS as I RUN WITH ALL I'VE GOT TO YOU AS I AM.  I just come… I just enter into His Love as a Treasured Value worth His death to bring me here.  Unbelievable… yeah… unbelievable but True because its what He says..!!!!! Wooo Hooo..!

Can you HEAR… can you HEAR… YOU THE CHURCH…SINGING as Love Covers you from head to toe, inside out with His Abundance…. WHY… oh WHY… so that He can GET OTHERS the same… for YOU ARE HIS BRIDE…. Think of this… B-R-I-D-E…! His Love is so Enormous He wants us to just BE… just SIT… just SING… Enjoy His Love while ‘HE’ goes for the others… oh my gosh… what a beautiful, beautiful Love... Playing in Extreme Love.

Idols Be Gone

Father, I know You have invested so much into my life to the very Gift of Your Son, Jesus, for my sake.  This Knowledge keeps me going for my own failures are so massive.  I am so grateful that I stand blameless before You right now simply because of what Jesus did.  I do not owe You one thing other than my acceptance of this Gift.  


I sometimes wish I could give a week’s wage or some sacrifice so that I could ‘pay’ for such a Gift… but just like the thought of a week’s wage so extremely far from paying for all You have done… so I am unable to reach such a sacrifice.  


This sort of Love takes me into such a longing… such a deep want to walk according to Your Love Example.  I am coming so far from it that this morning I realize I can’t even walk.  Not like I want to for You.  


I realize that even though I am so torn and worn down, You have still wanted me.  This again takes me into my want to lay down my life and pick up Your Work, Your Beauty Living through me.  


I am hating the idols I have found in my life.  Things that seem to be of such importance that I think… oh no, not that… THAT’s not an idol.  Father, my Poppa that is so Patient… for that reason alone, I know it is.  I am searching to peel away my fingers from its grip.  Shake out the scream it carries for me to keep tight hold.  I am so heavy with desire and yet find my life showing so many signs of self satisfactions rather than God Satisfactions.  I just want You to know that I determine to give them up.  


All idols, all things that keep me attached to worldly pleasures that do not honor You.  Worldly affections, worldly attitudes, worldly opinions, worldly habits I no longer want as my daily steps through a day.  Cleanse me as I come before You with my prayer.  Open my eyes so that I can identify and destroy things that do not bring me to the Best You have for me.  


You are Faithful in my unfaithfulness.  You are Pure in my impurities.  You are Righteous in my self righteousness.  You are Forever and have a Gift of Life for me.  I want to, in return, give You my whole self and all my broken dreams and idols of self satisfactions.  


Thank You for Receiving me just as I am every day of my Life.  Thank You Jesus for Bringing me to the Feet of My God as Your Pleasure.  I don’t understand but I am grateful…. So very grateful.  I love You and learning just what all that means as You Love me with you’re your Pure Outrageous Love.

Weariness I No Longer Recognize

Father, I am transcended into a whirlwind 

that seems to spin all weariness 

into something I no longer recognize.  

As if what was – was never. 

Trapped in Your locked container 

that has no entrance or exit, 

are my worries 

I know not how was captured 

and taken away from me.  

Left in my conscientiousness 

is an open freedom 

where One has subdued my enemy 

and I am wondering about 

in a kingdom that saves.  

My appearance 

gives the impression of focused Love 

smeared inside out, 

to shift my ground beneath me 

so that each move becomes careless.  

The lover of my soul 

has spoken my name and I heard.  

I was about my business 

and His kiss of affection 

found the eyes of my heart.  

The woe of His passion 

showed ownership 

and I was jubilant.  

All that remained was now.  

Carried away was the weight of time.  

Saturated in the stare of love, 

words now speak with power 

but no sound.  

Exchanged are life’s burdens 

for the cleanliness of teaching 

washing its waves of song.  

Its life 

comes as not a formed vocabulary 

but as love words 

picked from words and images, 

it holds so gentle a story to enlighten.  

Acquaint me, lover of my soul; 

acquaint me deeper 

with unheard sounds love makes.  

Instruct me 

as You navigate 

my desires discovered. 

I throw caution to the wind 

as love pampers all my falls. 

For where else 

could my soul find such rest.  

Where could I uncover 

such vivaciousness, 

such exquisite awe of connection?

Wishful Thoughts To Carry More Love

Painfully (flesh), I am in constant change as my inner person is flying so high.  I feel like a floating abundance.  I awake and His Love blazes and I return His love with gladness.  I sing a song that He creates.  I walk a walk that He created to make me dance.  I am so overwhelmed with hope and His salvation.  This church is a place where it is obvious a residence I have never been... in the midst of this place... in His watchful eye at a new angle.  Tears seems to be the only reaction I know how to express.  Kicking and screaming my own voice and 'I wanna this' verses His abundant 'pit stops' of greatness.  I am so humbled under such a heavy love.  I have such wishful thoughts of being able to carry more of this love without buckling.  Tears keep reminding me that my soul is in such a state of 'little-ness'.  If only I could expand, if only I could stretch beyond this capacity and yet I know it comes from trials and the tribulations of dying daily to flesh so that more room is allowed for His purpose and plans.  His work is mighty and will accomplish ALL that He has set before me and in that I rest.  But knowing I have such an abundant need to further my heart keeps such an excitement to seek.  Seek His plan beyond my weeping tears that tell me I am weak, weeping tears that expose my lack when His presence comes in to saturate me.  I know only to ask that He keep intruding with His abundant love and wipe away my tears that fall under its loving kindness.  I am beginning to understand more clearly why most souls fall to the ground or weep when His Kingdom (Person of I Am) comes into the midst of their knowledge.  The flesh MUST make room, must turn from its own created thoughts - to His.  The flesh must pick up this cross and follow in order to be the disciple it calls us to be.  He calls our name and we make unbelievable adjustments to what we had affections toward.  We stop and follow in our weakened state to rise up and believe.  He calls my name that goes beyond 'Charlotte' which would only raise my eyes, but His call raises my soul.  My favorite memories now belong to the I Am and thus my conversations change.  How can such desires turn a life to the crippling of my flesh?  How can this desire turn the laughter of common things into the tender weep of my soul?   Weeping of such gentle passion I know not how to hold as I tremble under its pure light.  Oh how I pray for greater openness so that His life will shine to my core and rescue me in His confidence.  

Father, who is, reach to the inner untouchable places of each of us today!  Wash us with Your mercy as what we do not understand takes its place over us while it rains down and through each thought to enjoy in spite of the death of flesh.  Setting Your love, Your banner of Love over this day which turns all other days of past into the 'next step' of knowing You.  King of all, we salute You with our hearts to honor the Song, Your Son, given to us as rebirth or being born again within Your Kingdom so thick with love that we spin with dances of jubilee.  Free to make our life a beautiful dance before You to enjoy.  As the child you made us, so let us be.  With gladness, send out this tremble we have, to those who are lost and cannot find this pure pleasure, as we sit at Your Feet.  It’s so overwhelming... You have given much more than we can contain.  Teach us to scatter carelessly to all that we meet.  With the abundance of Your Son, Your Word within - take us further today.

Full Of Your Work That Keeps Exploding Its Kindness

Oh Father, I love being in Your hands.  I sob inwardly with this joy unspeakable. I am so full of Your work that keeps exploding its kindness.  As I sway back and forth with the melody of Your Love, I can only wade deeper into this kindness.  Trust being placed within my touch with every step You bid me come.   When I feel lost, it is only because I looked to the side, not because You moved.  


I am not afraid.  I am not frightened for Your voice is soft and I have come to find the Light that chases away my darkness does not bring me shame, but awakened Love unspeakable.  Your finger never points in condemnation, but only in this open invitation to a better path.  A direction well worth, for my good, my attention.  


Oh what will others say, my mind frightens my step.  But kindness keeps me going; kindness far beyond mans sight to respond.  Kindness that constructs my life to never regret!   Oh the hurt my flesh feels at the rejection of mankind yet the Love it creates in me somehow, towards the listening of Your heart beat, this exploding kindness. 


Waiting in this deep love, waiting with such wonders of passion, waiting in the thickness of love’s substance – while pains are tended to, covered with the works I am unable to compose on my own.  I listen to the waves of unknown sounds from my own inner spirit as I am being crafted into a new assembly.  Turned to know a consuming safety that teaches me, instructs to edify my thinking.  Tutoring and coaching me in explaining the fashion of Your Place; Your Kingdom, not mine.  


Demonstrate, clarify, Father, these fruitful lectures while I wait.  I am so full of Your work that keeps exploding its kindness.

Beauty Of Love Dreams

Jesus, I have such a deep want this morning.  

Like a yearn to be with my own, 

for the tie with them goes so far into my life 

it has such a natural overwhelming desire.  

Placed in the mysterious making of this mama’s heart; 

so is this adoration, 

this affection that has this intent look 

to the rhythm of our connection You formed.  

I want to gawk 

with my own awkwardness 

into Your love 

as I stumble around in the attempt 

to know what or how to act in its glory.  

Watching for every opportunity 

to understand more, 

to gather its completeness it develops 

as it turns my upside down life 

into Your amazing picture of style.  

I cannot but help looking back.  

Oh to look back 

and keep tight in my mind 

Your touch 

so softly upon my life.  

To retain Your song 

that creates my days 

into the beauty of love dreams.  

Love dreams 

that float and give hints 

of Your desire for me 

as they carry my mind 

into realizing Your Kingdom 

has come to my life.  

I commit to memory 

and the awe-inspiring bliss of disclosing; 

oh to make known such blazing burst 

of this fire that warms my heart.  

Display this fire, 

Jesus, 

display its glimmer 

that opens my mouth to twinkle like a star.  

Flaunt Your love 

in full array 

as the exhibit we crave to understand.  

For the blaze of such love 

sends out a beam of light 

that reaches the sky 

and one glace changes us forever. 

Its sparks burn 

the hearts of man 

with the unnatural substance of Your presence 

and the heart then knows 

only to find warmth at this Place forever.  

To turn away from all other sources 

that try to imitate 

and be content to only what is real.  

Your song 

that creates my days 

into the beauty of love dreams!   

To You, Jesus, I lift my soul.  

Reflection Your Love Returns To Me

Oh True One, 

One of Simple Love 

that carries the whole of creation.  

My many words take a back seat 

to my heart that speaks 

with a single attraction to You.  

Hear my emotion 

as I close my eyes to see.  

See the blue skies 

that open all the doors 

of my heart to You.  

See my fixed attention 

of the reflection 

Your love returns to You.  

May it sing to the Most High 

as I hold this thought 

like I would a note of high honor.   

Awaiting to see 

the extension of life 

for this very moment, 

for I catch this opportunity 

with great enthusiasm 

of its outcome.  

Forgive my weeping 

as I break under this attraction.  

Forgive my weakness 

to hold this treasured love 

without falling to the ground.  

For I am but a portion 

to carry such greatness 

and the weight of such wonders 

cause the loss of control 

as I feel the tremble of my strength 

to accept this quantity, 

my measure so enormous.   

Love measured for me 

that has only my best 

in its gift, 

only my success 

without the flaws of this worlds touch.  

Love alone in design 

that cannot escape 

from its purpose for me.  

Sent to be as the mirror 

before me 

so that I will not lose sight 

of its greatness.   

Forgive me for shaking 

as I ponder Your heart after me.   

Forgive me for these sobs 

that come from a fear 

I do not understand.  

How do I carry such Love, 

I cannot but ask 

for I am weak, 

so weak.  

Fascinated in that I cannot stay away, 

yet I cannot contain it all.  

Fascination begs 

to make my returns 

as often as thought possible.  

Staying on the edge 

so each call to jump 

will be heard 

as the wings of Your arms 

visibly appear in the midst of my fall.   

See my fixed attention 

of the reflection 

Your Love returns to You.   

Wrongs - My Own

Father, my heart walks in this morning.  My love seems to be dancing with a song that won’t stop. What amazing love to carry within!  

I am so convicted by such a drenching of Your love.  I look at circumstances of painful thoughts and carry these to You, for the difficulties I cause among those I cherish can become complicated.  As Your child I seek a moment to tell You of their pain that may be caused by my own misunderstanding or strong will to have my own secret self indulgence.  I cry for their freedom to forgive while holding to my own locked closet of punches I feel overwhelmed and shut down over.  My greatest pleasure is to come and admire Your place with me, my place with You; and yet I know I am stumbling when looking around to see another that also Your heart yearns to find safe in Your keeping.  As Your child this morning, I am able to bring this heavy load to You and take on Your yoke, for Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light.  I acknowledge this displacement of my heart and acknowledge Your sincere want to correct the minds of those You love.  How great is Your love.  How sweet is this love that has unlimited space to bear my burdens that I both cause and that others cause upon me.  I am so moved by Your compassion and involvement of every thought that passes my heart and mind.  Jesus gave me Your address.  Jesus showed me Your passion.  He made this conversation possible by first His walk upon earth and death that could not hold Him.  As my heart names those who stumble over my way, heal the bridges between us as I surrender to acknowledge my inability to make my own way award me pleasures.  I take the lighter way, Your Way; with a tight hold to the Way Jesus taught.  

Thank You for causing me to recall a dream I had a few nights ago in which You spoke so kindly to my troubling heart.  As I slept in an uncomfortable state of mind I was taken to a room and left alone as I awaited those who would come in and speak deep into me the faults and failures I owned and would give opinion of me.  No one came so I was taken to another room to await this same knowledge but again no one came.  I stood in the room with such draining and difficulty of this wait.  Oh how it hurt to be judged while inward not knowing what actions had brought about this trail.  I waited and waited for so long as my heart grew heavier and heavier.  No one came.  Room after room to wait and wait and wait.  No one ever came.  I woke up so discouraged and heavy with the burden of my unknown sentences.  I stirred in my bed trying to awake so that I could begin my day but this troubling dream held its pain against my chest.  Then I heard Your heart say with such fact behind its question to me that my whirlwind mind suddenly stopped.  You spoke, “Did anyone come to condemn you?”  I said “no, no one showed up.”  You said, “Neither do I condemn you.”  I wish I could say I rejoiced and skipped like a free spirit set free from its cage but I was so stunned.  Stunned..! I lay there with that same heaviness and pondered… what? I did not know how to react! But love again stayed close and hugged me as I opened to receive what had soaked into the thoughts of a heavy momma's heart.  As a smile began to develop upon my heart, I recalled a message in the Bible of such a lady being taken before the Lord, my sweet Jesus, condemned by others and He stopped all actions as He spoke these same words to her life.  How do I carry such a forgiveness while I yet have such little understanding of how it all works; for I hold so many failures and my walk is feeble.  My passion is but a spark and yet His is a fire.  

Father, I let Your love speak to my heart this morning as You call this dream to remembrance.  I am Your child, created under Your Love, and in this place I roam with my big and small accounts while Your Love covers my walk.  I give my all to You to keep my soul. 

Come In True Love

My God, my heavenly Father, I am a song for You today. I am a tune to play. I am a note that rings of Your Glory.  I catch my thoughts of You soaking into my soul, as each one carry’s Your Love and paints this artistic vision of heaven’s beauty.  Like a dream, but I am awake.  How tiny I feel, yet how enormous Your Love pours as I am overwhelmed with Your loyalty towards me.  I sense such Love, a fondness within, and yet realize I only sense what is Yours and has come from You!  I am overtaken by this draft that blows in a constant flow through every crack my heart allows.  I cannot seal away this bursting passion that You are so intense on showering me with.  I cannot cover its hue from my face.  You are inescapable and I surrender to Your Love.

My arms begin to sing as they wonder about, rising to the sky in response to something high.  I don’t know how such things arrive, but I’m caught in the beauty of this ride.  My words stop speaking in a natural flow and begin to sing with melodies I seem to know somewhere inside.  I crumble under its load, I am fixed within its path; for I have been taken, oh I have been taken, to the light that sees my darkness.  Its shine chases away the dreary and leaves its mark of Son light.  I am free, oh I am free from more than I knew I was under.  I am released to dream and hear a Love so far from my own.  A Love designed for me to accommodate…building a mansion with colors my imagination reaches to find.  I listen close, I run to hear.  I open every window and door.  I seek to give room and I seek to welcome this Love I have found.  Oh come in, True Love.  Come in.  Come dine with me and I will be Yours.  Come carry me to all the corners of my mind and show me, come show me, Your face with the expression of such divineness.  I will sing of this Love forever.  I will sing of You.  I will be Your song forever.  I will be the bride awaiting Your Son. 

Change me with Your Love.  Do not stop Your Love in storms of downpour.  Transform me as Your Love makes preparation for Your Son’s arrival.  Alter and modify all the holes within my heart as I surrender to Your replacing Love.  I desire the world to know, Jesus is my reward.  I am His bride.